Surgeon General: Eliminate Fat Tuesday Immediately

February 24, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. The acting Surgeon General of the United States just issued a stern warning to citizens, "The country is fat enough already, it's time to eliminate Fat Tuesday once and for all." The statement came as revelers across the land began celebrating the first day of Mardi Gras, otherwise known as Fat Tuesday.

"Yes, I'm fat. And there are a lot of obese people in America, we hear about it constantly. But taking away Fat Tuesday is not our path to health and fitness," said Wanda Cooper, as she strolled through downtown New Orleans. Another spectator, when told of the Surgeon General's warning said, "This wreaks of fascism, or maybe it's fatcism, we should all move to Canada." And an obviously buzzed Johnny VanOwen, offered this perspective on the matter, "I happen to love fat girls. I don't want them skinny, I like 'em to be huge. So, what's the surgeon got to say about that? He needs to stay out of my bedroom!"

The Surgeon General's surprising announcement included a comprehensive plan aimed at eradicating Fat Tuesday, which includes calling in the National Guard and instituting food rationing if the overeating didn't stop immediately. "We've got a McDonald's and donut shop on every corner, and our kids look like blimps. I'll be damned if I'm going to let things like Fat Tuesday continue on my watch. We can no longer celebrate being fat. It time for sit-ups, push-ups, and granola bars," he said.

Mardi Gras organizers declined to comment on the General's warning. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue monitoring this breaking story and we'll provide updates when news breaks.