We're Moving

March 14, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. We're not sure if our move will be temporary or permanent, but the reporters here are going to give the Word Press blogging service a quick tryout. We'll keep this site active, but if you like what you see here and want more, click here and visit Thank God For the Internet Blog in our new digs. We've already posted a shocking story this morning about Larry the Cable Guy. It turns out he's never been a cable guy.

Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

March 13, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Phobias have plagued man for years, but today brings a double-whammy that has thousands of people panic-stricken, locked in their closets, and scared to death.

Today is the second Friday the 13th of the year, and the closeness in occurrences has many experts very concerned. "This isn't just a coincidence. God has it planned out and the end is very near, the aliens will be here any minute," said a Venice Beach psychic. But notable horror star, Jason, sees it differently. "Aliens and superstitions should be the least of people's worries. They should fear me and my machete. Today is my Christmas and I will celebrate."

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog aren't sure whether we should be afraid or not, but we've put together a list of 10 other phobias which clearly indicate our days on earth are numbered.

1. Allodaxaphobia: Fear of the opinions of other people. It's rumored that both Nancy Pelosi and Rush Limbaugh are allodaxaphobic.
2. Helminthophobia: Fear of being infested with worms.
3. Euphobia: Fear of hearing good news. We're told the editors at the L.A. and N.Y. Times, and the producers of cable news shows all suffer from this dilemma.
4. Consecotaleophobia: Fear of chopsticks.
5. Alektorophobia: Fear of chickens. Oddly enough, they're referred to as "chickens," for being afraid of chickens.
6. Arachibutyrophobia: Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
7. Geumaphobia: Fear of taste. Notable sufferers are alleged to be Kate Moss and her supermodel friends.
8. Ithyphallophobia: Fear of seeing, thinking about, or having an erect penis. Many American men claim their wives are ithyphallophobic.
9. Eleutherophobia: Fear of freedom. This is a common fear around the world, especially in countries like China, Iran, and North Korea. And in recent decades, eleutherophobia has consumed groups like Al Qaeda, Hamas and Hezbollah.
10. Panophobia or Pantophobia: The fear of everything.

Officials urge caution today and they're quick to remind anyone who will listen: avoid black cats and ladders, and if you step on a crack, you'll break your momma's back.

Shock: Big Bird or Snuffleupagus
To Be Fired?

March 12, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. The country was saddened yesterday by news that "Sesame Street" is laying off 20% of its work force, due to the economy. But is a much more startling announcement coming?

Yesterday's shocker didn't signal any of the "Sesame Street" stars would be let go, but insiders say that just might happen. "Like it or not, Big Bird and Snuffleupagus cost us a fortune," said a show assistant. "All they do is eat and eat and eat. I don't know how we can keep both of them; one must go."

Another insider says executives may be using the economic climate as cover in making such a bold move, as tension between the two stars has been building for years. "It's not about money, it's chemistry on set. Big Bird is impossible to work with. He has a huge ego, insane demands, and he's really mean. The other day he told everyone Bert & Erie were gay." The source went on to say, "He's really gotten under Snuffy's skin; the two of them go at it every day. The economy is the perfect excuse for letting one of them go."

Fans of the show, mostly comprised of children and a few disturbed adults, won't take such a move lightly. "They just need to hug and work things out, like me and my mommy do," said a 5-year-old who was in tears when she heard the rumor of a potential firing. A creepy adult fan said, "I've watched the show in my underwear every day since it started in 1969. Everyone knows those two have had their issues, like when Snuffy got drunk and punched Big Bird at the Emmys, or when Big Bird slept with Snuffy's sister. But if either of them is fired, I'll never watch 'Sesame Street' again."

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue investigating this story and provide updates when news breaks.

R&B Duet: "Hit Me With Your Best Shot"?

March 11, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. News is coming in fast and furious from Hollywood about Rihanna and Chris Brown, the famously talented and abusive couple. Here's what we know.

• Rihanna and Chris are back together
• Oprah thinks it's a mistake
• Chris has been charged with two felonies
• Rihanna and Chris have just recorded a duet, which is focused on couples overcoming difficult challenges

Insiders are scrambling to get a copy of the song and learn its title and release date. And we hear the punch-drunk-in-love couple also recorded a few cover songs, and they're trying to decide which one they like best (editor's note: let's hope they don't fight over it). According to sources, the top 10 contenders are:

1. "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" (Pat Benetar)
2. "Smack My Bitch Up" (Prodigy)
3. "Beat Me Blue" (Essence)
4. "Loser" (Beck)
5. "Stupid Girl" (Garbage)
6. "Love Is A Battlefield" (Pat Benetar)
7. "Fighting For Our Love" (Olivia Newton John)
8. "Beat Yo Ass" (Brandon D)
9. "Crazy" (Gnarls Barkley)
10. "Pimpin' Ain't Easy" (Ice-T)

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will keep digging for the truth and we'll provide updates when news breaks.

Rush vs. Rush

March 10, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Rush Limbaugh, American's #1 conservative radio host, is no stranger to having enemies or being embroiled in controversy. The talk show host has endured attacks for decades, but some say his run may be coming to an end over a fierce new battle with the rock band Rush.

The Canadian trio, know for hits like "Tom Sawyer" and "YYZ," are demanding Limbaugh either change his first name or no longer go by 'Rush' on the radio. "He's killing our mojo and ruining our career," said Geddy Lee, Rush's bassist, singer and frontman. "People think we're a conservative rock band. We're not right-wingers. We're from Canada. Our cops ride horses, we have a Prime Minister and a Queen, and much of the country speaks French."

The band's request has been met with defiance by Limbaugh. "Typical, long-haired, Canadian liberals. Of course they don't like me, I bet they're playing private shows for Al Qaeda. I'm not changing my God-given name and they can go to Hell. When someone asks if you heard Rush on the radio, they're talking about me, not that crap band that hasn't had a hit since the '80s."

The battle of words has even spread to fan clubs for both parties, as rockers are protesting outside Limbaugh's radio show, and conservatives are returning the favor at Rush concerts. Signs displaying "Rush is Right," "Go Back to Canada," and "Crush Rush" are being waived by supporters. There have been no reports of violence at the demonstrations, but authorities are braced for an escalation. "It's a powder keg; this thing could blow any minute," said Police Chief Harris.

The reporters at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when news breaks.

Snuggie Lawsuit:
Undie-Grab or Comfy Blanket?

March 9, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Is it a painful underwear grab only nerds know too well, or a best-selling, comfy, perfect-for-any occasion body blanket? It was only a matter time before this question hit the courts, according to most legal experts.

The Fosdick Corporation, marketers of the wildly popular body-length blanket with sleeves known as the "Snuggie," is being sued by a gentleman who claims to be the rightful owner of the term. The plaintiff, Brock Michaels, a former high school jock, claims to have invented the term "snuggie" back in 1977 while he was a junior in high school.

According to Michaels' lawyers, Brock came up with the term when he and his friends were harassing some drama club geeks in the locker-room. "One of Michaels' cohorts grabbed a nerd by the back of his underwear and yanked it up with all his might. As the victim screamed in agony, it was Brock who then yelled out 'snuggie!'" Sources close to Michaels say it was at that moment when he knew he was onto something big. Michaels then began doling out snuggies to every nerd and weakling he crossed paths with.

In a recent interview with Get Beefy, Michaels was asked about the lawsuit and he said, "By the spring semester of '78, the snuggie craze had gone national. It was big-time, dude. If you were a nerd, you were fearful of the snuggie. If you were a jock who pumped iron, you couldn't wait to find your next victim." He went on to say, "Sure, it's been 30-years, but I'll be dammed if I'm going to let some blanket geeks steal my word. I'll bet those losers at Fosdick were probably on the receiving end of some vicious snuggies, and this is some sort of twisted revenge."

Michaels is seeking damages in the millions, but his lawyers are having a hard time finding impartial jurors. "We're not sure we can get a fair trial at this stage. We've yet to find one person who doesn't have Snuggie fever." When asked to comment on the suit and if they received snuggies in high school, the executives at Fosdick declined.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue investigating this story and we'll provide updates when news breaks.

Undercover BBQ Investigation

March 8, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog are on an undercover special assignment today, investigating BBQs taking place in celebration of Daylight Savings. Many are not aware, but BBQs are beginning to pop-up more frequently as the days get longer and the weather gets warmer. Is this a trend? An anomaly? A dangerous sign of things to come?

Experts from all fields are growing more concerned about the increase in BBQs nationwide. Some claim grill smoke is the main cause of global warming, while others cite the dangers BBQs present in adding to America's alcoholism, obesity, and dependency on meat. Are these baseless claims or is the country headed for ruin? We aim to find out and we'll provide updates when news breaks.

Barbie Goes Wild, TV Doctors Respond

March 7, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. The once loveable children's doll has fallen off the rails and is showing signs of very dangerous behavior. Barbie's new tramp stamp tattoo is the latest in a series of incidents that have her handlers, loved ones, and fans fearful for her life.

"All parents go through ups and downs with their kids," said one of Barbie's parents at Mattel, Inc. "But this is quite serious; her life is on the line. I'm afraid I'm going to get a call one day saying she's overdosed, trapped in a sex ring, or run off to the jungle with strangers."

Some experts say Barbie has been crying out for help for years. TV's Dr. Phil said, "In order to help Barbie get better, we have to start at the root of the problem. Insecurity. Barbie's constant image and lifestyle changes, from Corvettes to cowgirl to even running for President, clearly show she's not confident in who she is." He went on to say, "Unless Barbie starts believing in herself, she'll continue to act out, spiral down, and she may end up dead."

Dr. Drew agrees and offered more thoughts. "She has to get rid of Ken, too. He's no good for her. There are signs of extreme jealousy, psychological abuse, and controlling behavior, especially evident by her new 'Ken' tattoo. Someone has to get a handle on the situation or else addiction is surely next, if it's not there already." Her dad concurs. "Ken is a disastrous force at this point. I'll deal with him, man to man. And we're thankful the government's new stimulus bill includes funding for tattoo removal, so we can get that 'Ken stain' off her back."

Barbie's parents went on to say they're planning an intervention, but until then it's touch and go. "The first step is to find her. We don't know where she is and she's not answering her cell." Authorities are aiding in the search by trying to triangulate her location by using the GPS chip in her phone. Reportedly, the crew at "CSI: Miami" are leading the effort, as Barbie is believed to be hiding out in South Beach.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when news breaks.

California Cancels Daylight Savings, Adds Sun Tax

March 6, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Citing budget constraints, the state of California is saying adios to Daylight Savings time this year. "We just can't afford it," said Governor Schwarzenegger. "But we don't want to force citizens to change their lives. Those who wish to celebrate can still do so, but they'll be taxed on their extra usage of the sun. It's the only way to make it work."

Optional celebration of Daylight Savings is a first for the United States, and it's being heralded as a shrewd budget move by other Governors. "Arnold is on to something here," said an unknown Governor of a southern state. "If we apply a sun usage-tax nationally, we could probably eliminate the deficit. And if you think about it, the sun is energy; it shouldn't be free." Another Governor agreed and said, "We have to buy gas for our cars, and pay monthly bills to heat our homes. We should be paying for the sun's heat and energy, too. This is a business opportunity that might also help save the planet."

A concerned citizen doesn't see it the same way. "California is broke, thanks to an inept legislature. I understand Arnold is just trying to solve problems and help the state, but canceling Daylight Savings and taxing others who want to honor the tradition feels very un-American. I'm going to set my clock forward this weekend and I dare those bastards to try and tax me for it."

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue investigating this story and provide updates when news breaks.

Obama Prefers Coke, Pepsi Freaks Out

March 5, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. If you thought November's Presidential election was ugly, you aint seen nothing yet. America's soft drink wars have taken a nasty political turn. In a surprising admission in a Time magazine article, a White House official said administration staffers prefer Coke. He further fanned the flames by questioning, "Don't most Americans?"

News of this has left Pepsi scrambling to save face, and crying foul. A Pepsi truck driver said, "Obama promised bipartisanship, honesty, and transparency. This reminds us of Watergate. It sounds like the same old Washington politics and we want an immediate investigation into what staffers are really drinking. He went on to say, "Our research clearly shows Americans prefer Pepsi, that our products can be found inside the White House, and one of my stops is on Capitol Hill. The assertion by an anonymous staffer that Coke is preferred is simply outrageous. We'd like an apology from Obama and Time magazine to identify its source, so he or she can be sent to Guantanamo for such malicious crimes."

But the story takes another twist as Coke officials are now accusing Pepsi of false advertising. A secretary in Coca Cola's legal headquarters said, "Pepsi markets itself as 'the choice of a new generation.' How can that be if Obama, 'the voice of a new generation,' prefers Coke? This doesn't add up. Pepsi is lying to America. We expect Pepsi to cease and desist their marketing efforts and turn over all profits that came from advertising these lies."

Authorities monitoring this story are fearful it will ignite another soda pop war like we saw in '70s. The events saw loyal fans fighting in the streets with bottles and cans. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when news breaks.

No Cussing Week Draws Harsh Fire in L.A.

March 4, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Los Angeles Board of Supervisors issued a proclamation making the first week in March, "No Cussing Week." The move signaled high praise for a local teen, McKay Hutch, who created the "No Cussing Club" at his South Pasadena high school a few years ago. Hutch's club now has 30,000 online members and is cited as giving Supervisors the confidence to take such a bold effort citywide. But not everyone is happy with this.

Artists, lawyers, athletes, and many of L.A.'s average Joes are struggling with the new rules. "I had to cancel my show the other night," said well-known rapper, 50 Cent. "I don't have one joint where I don't drop an 'F' or 'S' bomb. They're taking bones out of my pocket."

A coalition of local attorneys agree, saying, "This is a direct violation of the first amendment. Citizens must be allowed to express themselves, even if it means offending a few prudes." Lawyers have now filed motions trying to overthrow the city's proclamation.

John Carpenter, a local carpenter, said, "I jammed a nail through my finger yesterday. I was in great pain and uncontrollably yelled out , 'son of a bitch', "motherf***er', and 'balls.' The looks I got were frightening; it reminded me of being in church."

The controversy even stretches to the NBA. Our reporters caught-up with Kobe Bryant last night. "I blocked a shot and the crowd went wild. And I spontaneously said, 'get that weak-ass sh!t outta my house.' The referee called a technical foul and Phil put me on the bench. If someone doesn't do something about this, I'll just go play in Europe where you can say whatever you want without persecution."

Proponents have released alternative suggestions for those who are having a hard time coping with the rules. Instead of the 'F word,' say "fiddlesticks" instead. When the urge to use the 'S word' arises, "poop," "poopy," dagnabit," or even "rats" would be acceptable.

City Officials say "No Cussing Week" will end on Sunday, so naysayers can go back to talking like sailors. But they wouldn't rule out future attempts at making it a permanent law. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue following this story and provide updates when news breaks.

Correction: Crime Does Pay,

Reports of Fraud, Brainwashing

March 3, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Students, parents, teachers, and government officials are fuming mad, seeking legal action, and they want America's textbooks re-written immediately. The fuss is over the long-held belief, 'crime doesn't pay,' being proven as untrue.

"This is a massive fraud that has global ramifications. And it's been going on for generations. Look at the headlines. Bernie Madoff got paid billions and is living in a swanky penthouse. Chris Brown was riding jet-skis in Miami this weekend. A-Rod's still playing ball. Osama is rich and running free in the hills. And now impeached Governor Rod Blagojevich gets a six-figure book deal? This is proof that crime does pay. How am I supposed to explain this to my 9-year-old," asked a furious parent as she picked up her daughter from school.

Officials are seeking an injunction which would prevent teachers from ever telling students that crime doesn't pay. And lobbyists are pleading with the courts to have every textbook re-written with 'honesty.' When asked about the controversy, a Roosevelt teacher said, "I feel terrible and want to stab myself. I've been following the curriculum and textbooks here at school, and it all clearly says crime doesn't pay. But that's obviously wrong. I feel so bad for my students. They've been lied to all along."

School administrators and textbook authors across the country are being subpoenaed and may face felony counts of fraud and willful deception. "The Bush administration may have looked the other way, but we won't. We're going to nail these liars and thugs who have been brainwashing our children," said the lawyer for the plaintiffs.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog are still shocked by this story, we're now wondering what else isn't true, but we'll continue investigating and provide updates when news breaks.

Cyndi Lauper: Girls Aren't Having Fun Anymore

March 1, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. While calls to her camp haven't been returned, Cyndi Lauper has allegedly dropped a bomb on the country, saying girls just aren't having fun anymore. According to sources close to the story, Lauper, who's famously known for many hits, including "Girls Just Want To Have Fun," was dining with friends at a posh Venice Beach bistro and she went on a rant about the state of women and fun these days.

As her friends looked on in amazement, the talented singer was overheard saying girls aren't having fun anymore, and we needn't look any further than the Rhianna tragedy to prove it. She then allegedly went on to say; it's very sad, girls do just want to have fun. But look at Paris, Britney, Megan Foxx, Jessica, Lindsay, Beyonce - do you think they're having fun? They're not. Gain 40-pounds and you're fat. Forget to wear underwear and show your private parts in public and you're a slut. Do some drugs, get a DUI, or enter rehab and you're a celeb-u-wreck. Mistake chicken for tuna and you're stupid. And don't ever kiss other girls or else you're a man-hating lesbian. It's like if you have any fun, you have a disease or something. This is not the America I want to live in anymore.

The impassioned tirade concluded with her blaming the economy, aggressive men, jealous bitches, George W. Bush, and the media as the reasons it's impossible for girls to have fun these days.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue investigating this story and provide updates when news breaks.

Redskins Seek
Immediate Bailout

March 1, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Buyer's remorse has hit the nation's capitol, as the Washington Redskins are seeking an immediate government bailout after realizing they overspent on Friday. While many companies are tightening their belts and booting workers to the curb, the Washington Redskins opened their vault, backed-up a truck, and signed defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth to a seven-year, $100 million contract ($41 million of which is guaranteed, an NFL-record).

A team official said, "I honestly don't know what we were thinking. We got caught-up in the excitement of free agency and we kept upping the ante for Albert. Before we knew what hit us, we said 'yes' to the $100 million deal. We can't afford that; we didn't even make the playoffs last year. Now we need the government's help."

Insiders say team officials are having confidential talks with the White House and legislators about an immediate bailout plan, and they're confident they'll get the votes. One source said, "Why wouldn't they get a bailout, everyone else is. And football is like religion, and the Skins are DC's team - no one on Capitol Hill wants them to go under, they're season ticket holders."

To put the Redskins' financial disaster in perspective, here are a few stats about the $100 million deal.

1. Albert Haynesworth will make approximately $14,285,714 per-season. This equates to $893,000 per-game over seven-years, not including any playoff bonuses or endorsements.

2. The contract will last 2,555 days. If he were paid daily, he'd be depositing $39,139 into his bank account every 24-hours for seven years.

3. If this were a traditional employment contract, based on a 40-hour week, Haynesworth would work 14,560 hours over seven-years, and get paid $6,868 per-hour, or $274,720 per-week.

4. In the 2008 season, Haynesworth had 51 tackles, or 3.18 per-game. If those stats hold in 2009, he'll earn about $280,112 per-tackle.

5. In 2008, Haynesworth had 8.5 sacks. If he has a repeat performance in 2009, he'll earn roughly $1,680,672 per-sack.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will keep covering the Washington Redskins' bid for a bailout and provide updates when news breaks.