Redskins Seek
Immediate Bailout

March 1, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Buyer's remorse has hit the nation's capitol, as the Washington Redskins are seeking an immediate government bailout after realizing they overspent on Friday. While many companies are tightening their belts and booting workers to the curb, the Washington Redskins opened their vault, backed-up a truck, and signed defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth to a seven-year, $100 million contract ($41 million of which is guaranteed, an NFL-record).

A team official said, "I honestly don't know what we were thinking. We got caught-up in the excitement of free agency and we kept upping the ante for Albert. Before we knew what hit us, we said 'yes' to the $100 million deal. We can't afford that; we didn't even make the playoffs last year. Now we need the government's help."

Insiders say team officials are having confidential talks with the White House and legislators about an immediate bailout plan, and they're confident they'll get the votes. One source said, "Why wouldn't they get a bailout, everyone else is. And football is like religion, and the Skins are DC's team - no one on Capitol Hill wants them to go under, they're season ticket holders."

To put the Redskins' financial disaster in perspective, here are a few stats about the $100 million deal.

1. Albert Haynesworth will make approximately $14,285,714 per-season. This equates to $893,000 per-game over seven-years, not including any playoff bonuses or endorsements.

2. The contract will last 2,555 days. If he were paid daily, he'd be depositing $39,139 into his bank account every 24-hours for seven years.

3. If this were a traditional employment contract, based on a 40-hour week, Haynesworth would work 14,560 hours over seven-years, and get paid $6,868 per-hour, or $274,720 per-week.

4. In the 2008 season, Haynesworth had 51 tackles, or 3.18 per-game. If those stats hold in 2009, he'll earn about $280,112 per-tackle.

5. In 2008, Haynesworth had 8.5 sacks. If he has a repeat performance in 2009, he'll earn roughly $1,680,672 per-sack.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will keep covering the Washington Redskins' bid for a bailout and provide updates when news breaks.