Jason Wants to Kill Madea

February 21, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Hollywood is buzzing today as word leaked out that slasher killer, Jason Voorhees wants to violently kill Grandma Madea for knocking Friday the 13th out of the top spot at the box office. Madea Goes To Jail should easily take the top spot this weekend, forcing Friday the 13th and Jason to take a plunge.

Last night, while out drinking at the Chop House, Jason was overheard saying he was going to find Madea and kill her in a way the world will never forget, as payback for knocking him out of the top spot at the box office. He went on to say he may go after Tyler Perry and slash his ass, too. Later in the evening, Jason was spotted buying a brand new chainsaw and long knives from a dealer on Crenshaw Blvd. Authorities fear Jason is out looking for Madea right now.

As word of the threat emerged, Madea fans gathered this morning and began to pray together. "I am so scared for Madea, I don't want her to die or be cut up into pieces," said Jenni Shamrock. Another in the crowed expressed anger. "Jason is a bully and he's just jealous of Madea. He's been killing innocent people for too long and it's time for him to be stopped. We're going to ban together and go find him. He may take a few of us down, but we'll eventually get him for this."

As our reporters were leaving the Madea gathering, they came across a large man named Thor. He served time in prison with Madea; fans may recognize him from Madea Goes To Jail. He shared his displeasure with the situation and assured us he's going to try and protect the loveable Madea, and said he has a special shank with Jason's name on it.

The reporters at www.thankgodfortheinternet.blogspot.com/ will continue following this breaking story and we'll update you when more news breaks. In the mean time, we ask all of you to pray for Madea's safety.

Man's Best Friend: The Grilled Cheese Sandwich

February 21, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. While Americans are still trying to cope with their weekend sadness from the NFL being on hiatus, there's hope in the air today. One of the greatest events ever will take place in San Francisco, The Grilled Cheese Invitational. Competitors have been training for months, trying to come up with the perfect combination of bread, cheese, butter, and whatever secret weapons they have up their sleeves.

The event will include up to 500 taste-testing judges and there are three categories of competition.

1. The Missionary Position: Standard bread, standard butter and standard cheese. No additional ingredients or flavorings allowed.

2. The Kama Sutra: Any kind of bread, any kind of butter, and any kind of cheese (or blend of cheeses) plus additional ingredients.

3. The Honey Pot: Any kind of bread, any kind of butter, any kind of cheese (or blend of cheeses), and any additional ingredients, but a sandwich that is sweet in flavor, or would best be served as dessert.

Last year's Missionary Position champions, Kathasaurus & Bustin, are the odds-on favorite to repeat. But the question on everyone's mind is if they'll be able to top their winning sandwich from last year, the Queijo Grelhado Velho Liso which received a score of 29.80. The gut bomb featured SUPER fresh sourdough from Hoffman's bakery in Santa Cruz, extra sharp Tillamook cheddar, fresh Italian mozzarella, Jarlsberg mild Swiss & whipped Danish creamery butter.

Fans have been camped out for days in anticipation and with hope they'll be lucky enough to receive one of the 500 judges' bracelets. No incidents are expected at this year's event, but security will be high. Most experts predict some minor injuries, trash talking, and even some attempts to cheat. "With a pressure packed competition and bragging rights on the line, competitors will surely give it their all," said Senior Grilling Analyst, Art Winkdale. And one anonymous competitor put things in perspective for us, "I'm in it to win it. If I have to drop a fool's skillet to show how serious I am, I'll do it. The title is mine, yo."

There's still no word if President Barack Obama will be calling the winner with congratulatory wishes. But with an event of this magnitude, it's not likely he'll blow this off. The reporters here at www.thankgodfortheinternet.blogspot.com/ will continue following this event and we'll update you when news breaks.

Poll: Obama More Popular Than Jesus, Superman Pissed

February 20, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. A new Harris Poll shows that Barack Obama tops Jesus on the list of people who Americans say they admire enough to call a hero. Rounding out the top 5 are Martin Luther King, Ronald Reagan, and George W. Bush. Other notables are Mother Teresa coming in 10th and Oprah Winfrey at 20th. God didn't even crack the top 10, as he (or she, according to some) placed 11th.

While many think Obama topping Jesus is shocking enough, there's more controversy brewing, including claims by Superman fans that the poll was rigged. The President of the Justice League fan club said, "This is complete crap! Obama is a great man, yes, but he can't fly, leap buildings, doesn't have x-ray vision, superhuman strength, or any of the other powers of Superman. This really does stink of corruption. And not only is Superman not on this list, neither are Batman, Wonder Woman or any of the other real heroes."

In a very rare public comment, the usually humble Superman said, "Yeah, I'm pissed about this. I like Barack a lot, I even voted for him. But when that phone rings at 3 a.m. and there's an asteroid heading towards earth or an alien army about to invade, who's going to get the call to save the world? Barack may get a call from other world leaders or the military, but who do you think he's going to call to get the job done? Me. I should be #1 on that list." Calls to the White House and Harris Interactive for comment on this story have not been returned as of press time.

The reporters here at www.thankgodfortheinternet.blogspot.com/ will continue following this story and we'll update you when news breaks.

The Economy Hits American Idol: 9 More Layoffs

February 19, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. America's recession may have no survivors, as evident by last night's shocking episode of American Idol. As the nation watched, television's #1 show laid off nine more contestants. "Everyone has been talking about how bad the economy is, but it really hits home when American Idol is letting people go," said a teary-eyed fan of the show, Erica Bry.

Another fan who stood in line for two days to get into last night's show, Matt Carlberg, offered an eye-witness account of what transpired. "I can't believe this. One minute I'm sitting there and there were 12 singers on stage. Before I knew what hit me, nine people were let go and only three remained. Those bastards laid off 75% of their people last night. How can our government let them get away with this? And how can the people in the audience, the judges, and even Ryan sit there idle like it's no big deal. I'll never watch that heartless show again."

The unfortunate contestants who were given pink-slips last night appeared to be taking things in stride. Some were even seen dancing and singing. Producers of the show have refused to comment on last night's layoffs, but inside sources say there are more coming next week. The reporters here at www.thankgodfortheinternet.blogspot.com/ will continue investigating this story and we'll update you when news breaks.

Snuggie Star Has No One to Snuggle With

February 18, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. On the heels of Valentine's Day 2009 comes shocking and sad news from the entertainment world. Many don't know her by her real name, Jane DeNoble, but millions of Americans know her as the Snuggie babe. Jane DeNoble is that very attractive, spunky actress that brings the Snuggie to life in the infomercial everyone loves to hate.

The loveable Jane has quite the resume, which boasts numerous film, TV, and theater credits. And her acting talents have tuned the Snuggie into a cultural phenomenon. But it's what's not on her bio that is causing heartache across the nation. Jane DeNoble appears to be single. "How could this be? America's Snuggie star doesn't have anyone to snuggle with under a Snuggie? This just stinks! During such tumultuous times, we look to America's stars for hope. If Jane DeNoble can't land a man or woman, I'm afraid the economy and war may be the least of our worries," said Frannie the Granny, Senior Editor for All That Doesn't Matter magazine.

"When I see her vibrant smile and phenomenal acting in those Snuggie spots, even I want to snuggle with her. Who wouldn't want to snuggle with Jane? I'm saddened and perplexed as to why she, of all people, would be single. It will be America's next great tragedy if she's left cold and alone at night? I know there are many rumors out there, like the Snuggie people have brainwashed her and are hiding her in a basement, or that there is the possibility Jane has a man or even a family in hiding and maybe she just doesn't want to mention that on her bio, but I'll leave that stuff for the rumor mongers," said a well-known Hollywood talent agent who wishes to remain annonymous.

The reporters here at www.thankgodfortheinternet.blogspot.com/ will continue investigating this shocking news and we'll update you when news breaks. In the mean time, when you curl-up under your Snuggie this evening, we ask that you say a prayer for Jane and ask God to undo this injustice.

Burger King's Angry Whopper Sparks Outrage Among Onion Groups, Claims of Onionism.

February 17, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Onion lovers around the world are uniting for one of their most vicious legal fights ever. The new battle is against fast food giant, Burger King. In late 2008, the home of the Whopper introduced a new offering, The Angry Whopper. According to advertisements, the burger features angry onions. Further, television commercials seen in the United States insinuate farmers brutalized baby onions so they'd grow-up to become angry. Therein lies the controversy which has sparked outrage among onion enthusiasts.

According to a recent lawsuit, the "angry onion" claim has ignited fury and allegedly triggered emotional pain and suffering from onions and onion lovers across the globe. Craig "Ass Mouth" Black, Senior VP of Onions For Peace and the co-author of the civil lawsuit against Burger King, had this to say on the matter. "Burger King has crossed the line and they must apologize immediately. Onions are not angry; they are peace-loving vegetables. I've been raising onions since I was a little boy, and I've also saved thousands of onions from certain death, due to infertile ground. I can tell you this with certainty: I've never encountered onion behavior that could be described as angry. Such a claim is baseless, irresponsible and dangerous, as is the notion that some onion farmers would abuse baby opinions with the hope of them growing up angry. Onions don't start wars or spread disease, they're only guilty of tirelessly and thanklessly working hard to make our salads, chili, steaks, liver, and even our burgers taste better. Burger King's assertion that onions are, or could be, angry, is factually inaccurate and grossly irresponsible. This wreaks of onionism, and we won't sit here idle without confronting such outrageous accusations."

On Monday, February 16, 2009, COOL (the Coalition of Onion Lovers) filed a lawsuit in Los Angeles Superior Court against Burger King. The suit, which cites emotional distress and defamation, is demanding $100,000,000,000,000 in damages. While such a civil lawsuit figure is unprecedented and rises above the United State's national deficit, Larry Scallion, CEO of RMCOT (Real Men Cry Onion Tears), said this. "Burger King will sell hundreds of thousands of their Angry Whoppers based on hype, empty rhetoric, and onionism to the unsuspecting public. Consumers are not expected to know the ins-and-outs of onion personality. Therefore, it's unfair to label consumers culprits in such vulgar and greedy behavior. However, Burger King knows what it's doing. It's only fair these corporate zealots realize the err of their ways, apologize, and turn over all profits from such smut to the hard working farmers and onion lovers around the globe. If not, the innocent victims of this ugliness will be pushed further into the darkness of today's brutal society. It's 2009 - gays can marry, an African American is president and the most popular figure in the world, and even American Idol is still alive; it's high time onion persecution be stopped with a loud and clear message. If we let Burger King get away with this, what's next? Kinky Cheese on a Sex Burger. This is not just a fight for innocent onions, it's a battle to save the world."

When asked to comment on the lawsuit, Burger King declined. The reporters here at www.thankgodfortheinternet.blogspot.com/ will continue investigating this shocking news and we'll update you when news breaks.