Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

March 13, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Phobias have plagued man for years, but today brings a double-whammy that has thousands of people panic-stricken, locked in their closets, and scared to death.

Today is the second Friday the 13th of the year, and the closeness in occurrences has many experts very concerned. "This isn't just a coincidence. God has it planned out and the end is very near, the aliens will be here any minute," said a Venice Beach psychic. But notable horror star, Jason, sees it differently. "Aliens and superstitions should be the least of people's worries. They should fear me and my machete. Today is my Christmas and I will celebrate."

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog aren't sure whether we should be afraid or not, but we've put together a list of 10 other phobias which clearly indicate our days on earth are numbered.

1. Allodaxaphobia: Fear of the opinions of other people. It's rumored that both Nancy Pelosi and Rush Limbaugh are allodaxaphobic.
2. Helminthophobia: Fear of being infested with worms.
3. Euphobia: Fear of hearing good news. We're told the editors at the L.A. and N.Y. Times, and the producers of cable news shows all suffer from this dilemma.
4. Consecotaleophobia: Fear of chopsticks.
5. Alektorophobia: Fear of chickens. Oddly enough, they're referred to as "chickens," for being afraid of chickens.
6. Arachibutyrophobia: Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
7. Geumaphobia: Fear of taste. Notable sufferers are alleged to be Kate Moss and her supermodel friends.
8. Ithyphallophobia: Fear of seeing, thinking about, or having an erect penis. Many American men claim their wives are ithyphallophobic.
9. Eleutherophobia: Fear of freedom. This is a common fear around the world, especially in countries like China, Iran, and North Korea. And in recent decades, eleutherophobia has consumed groups like Al Qaeda, Hamas and Hezbollah.
10. Panophobia or Pantophobia: The fear of everything.

Officials urge caution today and they're quick to remind anyone who will listen: avoid black cats and ladders, and if you step on a crack, you'll break your momma's back.

Jason Wants to Kill Madea

February 21, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Hollywood is buzzing today as word leaked out that slasher killer, Jason Voorhees wants to violently kill Grandma Madea for knocking Friday the 13th out of the top spot at the box office. Madea Goes To Jail should easily take the top spot this weekend, forcing Friday the 13th and Jason to take a plunge.

Last night, while out drinking at the Chop House, Jason was overheard saying he was going to find Madea and kill her in a way the world will never forget, as payback for knocking him out of the top spot at the box office. He went on to say he may go after Tyler Perry and slash his ass, too. Later in the evening, Jason was spotted buying a brand new chainsaw and long knives from a dealer on Crenshaw Blvd. Authorities fear Jason is out looking for Madea right now.

As word of the threat emerged, Madea fans gathered this morning and began to pray together. "I am so scared for Madea, I don't want her to die or be cut up into pieces," said Jenni Shamrock. Another in the crowed expressed anger. "Jason is a bully and he's just jealous of Madea. He's been killing innocent people for too long and it's time for him to be stopped. We're going to ban together and go find him. He may take a few of us down, but we'll eventually get him for this."

As our reporters were leaving the Madea gathering, they came across a large man named Thor. He served time in prison with Madea; fans may recognize him from Madea Goes To Jail. He shared his displeasure with the situation and assured us he's going to try and protect the loveable Madea, and said he has a special shank with Jason's name on it.

The reporters at www.thankgodfortheinternet.blogspot.com/ will continue following this breaking story and we'll update you when more news breaks. In the mean time, we ask all of you to pray for Madea's safety.