Barbie Goes Wild, TV Doctors Respond

March 7, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. The once loveable children's doll has fallen off the rails and is showing signs of very dangerous behavior. Barbie's new tramp stamp tattoo is the latest in a series of incidents that have her handlers, loved ones, and fans fearful for her life.

"All parents go through ups and downs with their kids," said one of Barbie's parents at Mattel, Inc. "But this is quite serious; her life is on the line. I'm afraid I'm going to get a call one day saying she's overdosed, trapped in a sex ring, or run off to the jungle with strangers."

Some experts say Barbie has been crying out for help for years. TV's Dr. Phil said, "In order to help Barbie get better, we have to start at the root of the problem. Insecurity. Barbie's constant image and lifestyle changes, from Corvettes to cowgirl to even running for President, clearly show she's not confident in who she is." He went on to say, "Unless Barbie starts believing in herself, she'll continue to act out, spiral down, and she may end up dead."

Dr. Drew agrees and offered more thoughts. "She has to get rid of Ken, too. He's no good for her. There are signs of extreme jealousy, psychological abuse, and controlling behavior, especially evident by her new 'Ken' tattoo. Someone has to get a handle on the situation or else addiction is surely next, if it's not there already." Her dad concurs. "Ken is a disastrous force at this point. I'll deal with him, man to man. And we're thankful the government's new stimulus bill includes funding for tattoo removal, so we can get that 'Ken stain' off her back."

Barbie's parents went on to say they're planning an intervention, but until then it's touch and go. "The first step is to find her. We don't know where she is and she's not answering her cell." Authorities are aiding in the search by trying to triangulate her location by using the GPS chip in her phone. Reportedly, the crew at "CSI: Miami" are leading the effort, as Barbie is believed to be hiding out in South Beach.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when news breaks.