Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

March 13, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Phobias have plagued man for years, but today brings a double-whammy that has thousands of people panic-stricken, locked in their closets, and scared to death.

Today is the second Friday the 13th of the year, and the closeness in occurrences has many experts very concerned. "This isn't just a coincidence. God has it planned out and the end is very near, the aliens will be here any minute," said a Venice Beach psychic. But notable horror star, Jason, sees it differently. "Aliens and superstitions should be the least of people's worries. They should fear me and my machete. Today is my Christmas and I will celebrate."

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog aren't sure whether we should be afraid or not, but we've put together a list of 10 other phobias which clearly indicate our days on earth are numbered.

1. Allodaxaphobia: Fear of the opinions of other people. It's rumored that both Nancy Pelosi and Rush Limbaugh are allodaxaphobic.
2. Helminthophobia: Fear of being infested with worms.
3. Euphobia: Fear of hearing good news. We're told the editors at the L.A. and N.Y. Times, and the producers of cable news shows all suffer from this dilemma.
4. Consecotaleophobia: Fear of chopsticks.
5. Alektorophobia: Fear of chickens. Oddly enough, they're referred to as "chickens," for being afraid of chickens.
6. Arachibutyrophobia: Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
7. Geumaphobia: Fear of taste. Notable sufferers are alleged to be Kate Moss and her supermodel friends.
8. Ithyphallophobia: Fear of seeing, thinking about, or having an erect penis. Many American men claim their wives are ithyphallophobic.
9. Eleutherophobia: Fear of freedom. This is a common fear around the world, especially in countries like China, Iran, and North Korea. And in recent decades, eleutherophobia has consumed groups like Al Qaeda, Hamas and Hezbollah.
10. Panophobia or Pantophobia: The fear of everything.

Officials urge caution today and they're quick to remind anyone who will listen: avoid black cats and ladders, and if you step on a crack, you'll break your momma's back.