Obama Prefers Coke, Pepsi Freaks Out

March 5, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. If you thought November's Presidential election was ugly, you aint seen nothing yet. America's soft drink wars have taken a nasty political turn. In a surprising admission in a Time magazine article, a White House official said administration staffers prefer Coke. He further fanned the flames by questioning, "Don't most Americans?"

News of this has left Pepsi scrambling to save face, and crying foul. A Pepsi truck driver said, "Obama promised bipartisanship, honesty, and transparency. This reminds us of Watergate. It sounds like the same old Washington politics and we want an immediate investigation into what staffers are really drinking. He went on to say, "Our research clearly shows Americans prefer Pepsi, that our products can be found inside the White House, and one of my stops is on Capitol Hill. The assertion by an anonymous staffer that Coke is preferred is simply outrageous. We'd like an apology from Obama and Time magazine to identify its source, so he or she can be sent to Guantanamo for such malicious crimes."

But the story takes another twist as Coke officials are now accusing Pepsi of false advertising. A secretary in Coca Cola's legal headquarters said, "Pepsi markets itself as 'the choice of a new generation.' How can that be if Obama, 'the voice of a new generation,' prefers Coke? This doesn't add up. Pepsi is lying to America. We expect Pepsi to cease and desist their marketing efforts and turn over all profits that came from advertising these lies."

Authorities monitoring this story are fearful it will ignite another soda pop war like we saw in '70s. The events saw loyal fans fighting in the streets with bottles and cans. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when news breaks.

Update: Economy Still Hammering American Idol, More Layoffs

February 27, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. There are no signs the sagging economy will let up, as evident by another shocking episode of "American Idol." It was just last week when Thank God For the Internet Blog broke the story of contestant layoffs happening at 'Idol,' but tragedy has struck again.

In last night's episode, an unsuspecting audience of millions was left shocked and distraught after being forced to witness another nine layoffs. The events are casting even more doubt over whether the United States will ever climb out of its economic mess. "It was just two nights ago when Obama did his speech; he said the economy was going to be fine and jobs would be saved. What the hell is going on here? How can 'Idol' layoff another nine contestants? What are those poor people going to do for food and work now," questioned a crying fan who kept her name confidential.

"I thought the layoffs were done after last week and that maybe the government would bail them out or something. But to see it happen again, this time right before my eyes, I can't even begin to describe the pain. The sadness and heartache in the eyes of those contestants who were fired will never escape me. I thought America was where people came to have their dreams come true, but now I'll have nightmares forever," said Cat McGun, an 'Idol' fan who flew in from London to see last night's episode.

Like last week, the four judges didn't show much emotion as they watched contestants be fired. And signs saying "cold hearted," "not again" and "not my kind of America" were displayed by many fans who demonstrated their disapproval with America's #1 show. 'Idol' execs still refuse to comment on the layoffs, but the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue following this story and provide updates when news breaks.

Poll: Obama More Popular Than Jesus, Superman Pissed

February 20, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. A new Harris Poll shows that Barack Obama tops Jesus on the list of people who Americans say they admire enough to call a hero. Rounding out the top 5 are Martin Luther King, Ronald Reagan, and George W. Bush. Other notables are Mother Teresa coming in 10th and Oprah Winfrey at 20th. God didn't even crack the top 10, as he (or she, according to some) placed 11th.

While many think Obama topping Jesus is shocking enough, there's more controversy brewing, including claims by Superman fans that the poll was rigged. The President of the Justice League fan club said, "This is complete crap! Obama is a great man, yes, but he can't fly, leap buildings, doesn't have x-ray vision, superhuman strength, or any of the other powers of Superman. This really does stink of corruption. And not only is Superman not on this list, neither are Batman, Wonder Woman or any of the other real heroes."

In a very rare public comment, the usually humble Superman said, "Yeah, I'm pissed about this. I like Barack a lot, I even voted for him. But when that phone rings at 3 a.m. and there's an asteroid heading towards earth or an alien army about to invade, who's going to get the call to save the world? Barack may get a call from other world leaders or the military, but who do you think he's going to call to get the job done? Me. I should be #1 on that list." Calls to the White House and Harris Interactive for comment on this story have not been returned as of press time.

The reporters here at www.thankgodfortheinternet.blogspot.com/ will continue following this story and we'll update you when news breaks.