We're Moving

March 14, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. We're not sure if our move will be temporary or permanent, but the reporters here are going to give the Word Press blogging service a quick tryout. We'll keep this site active, but if you like what you see here and want more, click here and visit Thank God For the Internet Blog in our new digs. We've already posted a shocking story this morning about Larry the Cable Guy. It turns out he's never been a cable guy.

Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

March 13, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Phobias have plagued man for years, but today brings a double-whammy that has thousands of people panic-stricken, locked in their closets, and scared to death.

Today is the second Friday the 13th of the year, and the closeness in occurrences has many experts very concerned. "This isn't just a coincidence. God has it planned out and the end is very near, the aliens will be here any minute," said a Venice Beach psychic. But notable horror star, Jason, sees it differently. "Aliens and superstitions should be the least of people's worries. They should fear me and my machete. Today is my Christmas and I will celebrate."

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog aren't sure whether we should be afraid or not, but we've put together a list of 10 other phobias which clearly indicate our days on earth are numbered.

1. Allodaxaphobia: Fear of the opinions of other people. It's rumored that both Nancy Pelosi and Rush Limbaugh are allodaxaphobic.
2. Helminthophobia: Fear of being infested with worms.
3. Euphobia: Fear of hearing good news. We're told the editors at the L.A. and N.Y. Times, and the producers of cable news shows all suffer from this dilemma.
4. Consecotaleophobia: Fear of chopsticks.
5. Alektorophobia: Fear of chickens. Oddly enough, they're referred to as "chickens," for being afraid of chickens.
6. Arachibutyrophobia: Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
7. Geumaphobia: Fear of taste. Notable sufferers are alleged to be Kate Moss and her supermodel friends.
8. Ithyphallophobia: Fear of seeing, thinking about, or having an erect penis. Many American men claim their wives are ithyphallophobic.
9. Eleutherophobia: Fear of freedom. This is a common fear around the world, especially in countries like China, Iran, and North Korea. And in recent decades, eleutherophobia has consumed groups like Al Qaeda, Hamas and Hezbollah.
10. Panophobia or Pantophobia: The fear of everything.

Officials urge caution today and they're quick to remind anyone who will listen: avoid black cats and ladders, and if you step on a crack, you'll break your momma's back.

Shock: Big Bird or Snuffleupagus
To Be Fired?

March 12, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. The country was saddened yesterday by news that "Sesame Street" is laying off 20% of its work force, due to the economy. But is a much more startling announcement coming?

Yesterday's shocker didn't signal any of the "Sesame Street" stars would be let go, but insiders say that just might happen. "Like it or not, Big Bird and Snuffleupagus cost us a fortune," said a show assistant. "All they do is eat and eat and eat. I don't know how we can keep both of them; one must go."

Another insider says executives may be using the economic climate as cover in making such a bold move, as tension between the two stars has been building for years. "It's not about money, it's chemistry on set. Big Bird is impossible to work with. He has a huge ego, insane demands, and he's really mean. The other day he told everyone Bert & Erie were gay." The source went on to say, "He's really gotten under Snuffy's skin; the two of them go at it every day. The economy is the perfect excuse for letting one of them go."

Fans of the show, mostly comprised of children and a few disturbed adults, won't take such a move lightly. "They just need to hug and work things out, like me and my mommy do," said a 5-year-old who was in tears when she heard the rumor of a potential firing. A creepy adult fan said, "I've watched the show in my underwear every day since it started in 1969. Everyone knows those two have had their issues, like when Snuffy got drunk and punched Big Bird at the Emmys, or when Big Bird slept with Snuffy's sister. But if either of them is fired, I'll never watch 'Sesame Street' again."

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue investigating this story and provide updates when news breaks.

R&B Duet: "Hit Me With Your Best Shot"?

March 11, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. News is coming in fast and furious from Hollywood about Rihanna and Chris Brown, the famously talented and abusive couple. Here's what we know.

• Rihanna and Chris are back together
• Oprah thinks it's a mistake
• Chris has been charged with two felonies
• Rihanna and Chris have just recorded a duet, which is focused on couples overcoming difficult challenges

Insiders are scrambling to get a copy of the song and learn its title and release date. And we hear the punch-drunk-in-love couple also recorded a few cover songs, and they're trying to decide which one they like best (editor's note: let's hope they don't fight over it). According to sources, the top 10 contenders are:

1. "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" (Pat Benetar)
2. "Smack My Bitch Up" (Prodigy)
3. "Beat Me Blue" (Essence)
4. "Loser" (Beck)
5. "Stupid Girl" (Garbage)
6. "Love Is A Battlefield" (Pat Benetar)
7. "Fighting For Our Love" (Olivia Newton John)
8. "Beat Yo Ass" (Brandon D)
9. "Crazy" (Gnarls Barkley)
10. "Pimpin' Ain't Easy" (Ice-T)

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will keep digging for the truth and we'll provide updates when news breaks.

Rush vs. Rush

March 10, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Rush Limbaugh, American's #1 conservative radio host, is no stranger to having enemies or being embroiled in controversy. The talk show host has endured attacks for decades, but some say his run may be coming to an end over a fierce new battle with the rock band Rush.

The Canadian trio, know for hits like "Tom Sawyer" and "YYZ," are demanding Limbaugh either change his first name or no longer go by 'Rush' on the radio. "He's killing our mojo and ruining our career," said Geddy Lee, Rush's bassist, singer and frontman. "People think we're a conservative rock band. We're not right-wingers. We're from Canada. Our cops ride horses, we have a Prime Minister and a Queen, and much of the country speaks French."

The band's request has been met with defiance by Limbaugh. "Typical, long-haired, Canadian liberals. Of course they don't like me, I bet they're playing private shows for Al Qaeda. I'm not changing my God-given name and they can go to Hell. When someone asks if you heard Rush on the radio, they're talking about me, not that crap band that hasn't had a hit since the '80s."

The battle of words has even spread to fan clubs for both parties, as rockers are protesting outside Limbaugh's radio show, and conservatives are returning the favor at Rush concerts. Signs displaying "Rush is Right," "Go Back to Canada," and "Crush Rush" are being waived by supporters. There have been no reports of violence at the demonstrations, but authorities are braced for an escalation. "It's a powder keg; this thing could blow any minute," said Police Chief Harris.

The reporters at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when news breaks.

Snuggie Lawsuit:
Undie-Grab or Comfy Blanket?

March 9, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Is it a painful underwear grab only nerds know too well, or a best-selling, comfy, perfect-for-any occasion body blanket? It was only a matter time before this question hit the courts, according to most legal experts.

The Fosdick Corporation, marketers of the wildly popular body-length blanket with sleeves known as the "Snuggie," is being sued by a gentleman who claims to be the rightful owner of the term. The plaintiff, Brock Michaels, a former high school jock, claims to have invented the term "snuggie" back in 1977 while he was a junior in high school.

According to Michaels' lawyers, Brock came up with the term when he and his friends were harassing some drama club geeks in the locker-room. "One of Michaels' cohorts grabbed a nerd by the back of his underwear and yanked it up with all his might. As the victim screamed in agony, it was Brock who then yelled out 'snuggie!'" Sources close to Michaels say it was at that moment when he knew he was onto something big. Michaels then began doling out snuggies to every nerd and weakling he crossed paths with.

In a recent interview with Get Beefy, Michaels was asked about the lawsuit and he said, "By the spring semester of '78, the snuggie craze had gone national. It was big-time, dude. If you were a nerd, you were fearful of the snuggie. If you were a jock who pumped iron, you couldn't wait to find your next victim." He went on to say, "Sure, it's been 30-years, but I'll be dammed if I'm going to let some blanket geeks steal my word. I'll bet those losers at Fosdick were probably on the receiving end of some vicious snuggies, and this is some sort of twisted revenge."

Michaels is seeking damages in the millions, but his lawyers are having a hard time finding impartial jurors. "We're not sure we can get a fair trial at this stage. We've yet to find one person who doesn't have Snuggie fever." When asked to comment on the suit and if they received snuggies in high school, the executives at Fosdick declined.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue investigating this story and we'll provide updates when news breaks.

Undercover BBQ Investigation

March 8, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog are on an undercover special assignment today, investigating BBQs taking place in celebration of Daylight Savings. Many are not aware, but BBQs are beginning to pop-up more frequently as the days get longer and the weather gets warmer. Is this a trend? An anomaly? A dangerous sign of things to come?

Experts from all fields are growing more concerned about the increase in BBQs nationwide. Some claim grill smoke is the main cause of global warming, while others cite the dangers BBQs present in adding to America's alcoholism, obesity, and dependency on meat. Are these baseless claims or is the country headed for ruin? We aim to find out and we'll provide updates when news breaks.