Cyndi Lauper: Girls Aren't Having Fun Anymore

March 1, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. While calls to her camp haven't been returned, Cyndi Lauper has allegedly dropped a bomb on the country, saying girls just aren't having fun anymore. According to sources close to the story, Lauper, who's famously known for many hits, including "Girls Just Want To Have Fun," was dining with friends at a posh Venice Beach bistro and she went on a rant about the state of women and fun these days.

As her friends looked on in amazement, the talented singer was overheard saying girls aren't having fun anymore, and we needn't look any further than the Rhianna tragedy to prove it. She then allegedly went on to say; it's very sad, girls do just want to have fun. But look at Paris, Britney, Megan Foxx, Jessica, Lindsay, Beyonce - do you think they're having fun? They're not. Gain 40-pounds and you're fat. Forget to wear underwear and show your private parts in public and you're a slut. Do some drugs, get a DUI, or enter rehab and you're a celeb-u-wreck. Mistake chicken for tuna and you're stupid. And don't ever kiss other girls or else you're a man-hating lesbian. It's like if you have any fun, you have a disease or something. This is not the America I want to live in anymore.

The impassioned tirade concluded with her blaming the economy, aggressive men, jealous bitches, George W. Bush, and the media as the reasons it's impossible for girls to have fun these days.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue investigating this story and provide updates when news breaks.

February is Dying

February 28, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. The world is in shock, as doctors say February is dying and she's in her final hours. "Today is her last day, unfortunately. We don't see her lasting any longer than that," said Dr. Morganstein.

As news of February's imminent death spread across the globe, mourners around the world began gathering to pay their final respects to the beloved month. "Words cannot express my sorrow. I don't understand why she has to go so soon," said Bill Buckley. Another mourner shared a similar view. "It seems like it was just a few weeks ago when we got to know her. I can't believe I'll wake up tomorrow and she'll be gone. Life is short and sometimes very cruel. I feel like my heart has been ripped out."

February's priest addressed mourners and asked them to remember the blessings her life brought all of us. "February will soon be in God's hands, and her passing should remind all of us to live life to its fullest, to love unconditionally, and live by the golden rule. And remember the good times you spent with February. She brought us Valentine's Day, the Steelers' Super Bowl victory, the Grilled Cheese Festival, the Grammys, and some awesome new iPhone apps. She'd like you to remember her with love and carry on her spirit in your own life."

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog send our deepest condolences to February's family and friends.