No Cussing Week Draws Harsh Fire in L.A.

March 4, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Los Angeles Board of Supervisors issued a proclamation making the first week in March, "No Cussing Week." The move signaled high praise for a local teen, McKay Hutch, who created the "No Cussing Club" at his South Pasadena high school a few years ago. Hutch's club now has 30,000 online members and is cited as giving Supervisors the confidence to take such a bold effort citywide. But not everyone is happy with this.

Artists, lawyers, athletes, and many of L.A.'s average Joes are struggling with the new rules. "I had to cancel my show the other night," said well-known rapper, 50 Cent. "I don't have one joint where I don't drop an 'F' or 'S' bomb. They're taking bones out of my pocket."

A coalition of local attorneys agree, saying, "This is a direct violation of the first amendment. Citizens must be allowed to express themselves, even if it means offending a few prudes." Lawyers have now filed motions trying to overthrow the city's proclamation.

John Carpenter, a local carpenter, said, "I jammed a nail through my finger yesterday. I was in great pain and uncontrollably yelled out , 'son of a bitch', "motherf***er', and 'balls.' The looks I got were frightening; it reminded me of being in church."

The controversy even stretches to the NBA. Our reporters caught-up with Kobe Bryant last night. "I blocked a shot and the crowd went wild. And I spontaneously said, 'get that weak-ass sh!t outta my house.' The referee called a technical foul and Phil put me on the bench. If someone doesn't do something about this, I'll just go play in Europe where you can say whatever you want without persecution."

Proponents have released alternative suggestions for those who are having a hard time coping with the rules. Instead of the 'F word,' say "fiddlesticks" instead. When the urge to use the 'S word' arises, "poop," "poopy," dagnabit," or even "rats" would be acceptable.

City Officials say "No Cussing Week" will end on Sunday, so naysayers can go back to talking like sailors. But they wouldn't rule out future attempts at making it a permanent law. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue following this story and provide updates when news breaks.

Shock: NBA Proves Global Warming

February 26, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. While the debate over global warming continues to frustrate experts on both sides of the aisle, it looks like Al Gore may be vindicated, as there appears to be a smoking gun that proves global warming is a reality - the NBA.

Has it been in front of us all this time? Experts say so and they point directly to the NBA for proof. "I've been skeptical for a long time, but I'm now convinced global warming exists. I've never seen grown men sweat like this before, and I've been going to NBA games for years," said Guy McIntyre, a global warming critic and Cleveland Cavaliers season ticket holder. The reporters here, not willing to take the word of just a few, decided to go a step further and ask some NBA players what they thought. Here are just a few of the comments we received, all of which support the global warming claim.

Kevin Garnett: "Look at me; it's gotten so bad that I'm drenched by the end of warm-ups, before the game even begins. If this isn't global warming, I'd be in the hospital."

Shaquille O'Neal: "I'm 'the diesel' and I run hot to being with, but I noticed a change a few years ago. I'm a sweaty mess these days. We need Obama to do something about this before players start dropping dead."

LeBron James: "Dude, I'm sweating my ass off out there on the court, more than I ever have. Even my Gatorade can't stop it; this must be from a higher power. Gore's right, global warming is legit."

Kobe Bryant: "It all makes sense now. Players are even slipping and sliding all over the court these days. I sometimes have to use my jersey as a towel. It was never like this before."

Not to be outdone, global warming critics cite record cold temperatures in the Midwest and enormous snow levels across the world as proof the global warming claim is nothing but a farce. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue following this story and provide updates when news breaks.