Keith's Blog

2009-03-14T08:25:00.000-07:00

We're Moving

March 14, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. We're not sure if our move will be temporary or permanent, but the reporters here are going to give the Word Press blogging service a quick tryout. We'll keep this site active, but if you like what you see here and want more, click here and visit Thank God For the Internet Blog in our new digs. We've already posted a shocking story this morning about Larry the Cable Guy. It turns out he's never been a cable guy.

2009-03-13T08:52:00.000-07:00

Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

March 13, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Phobias have plagued man for years, but today brings a double-whammy that has thousands of people panic-stricken, locked in their closets, and scared to death.

Today is the second Friday the 13th of the year, and the closeness in occurrences has many experts very concerned. "This isn't just a coincidence. God has it planned out and the end is very near, the aliens will be here any minute," said a Venice Beach psychic. But notable horror star, Jason, sees it differently. "Aliens and superstitions should be the least of people's worries. They should fear me and my machete. Today is my Christmas and I will celebrate."

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog aren't sure whether we should be afraid or not, but we've put together a list of 10 other phobias which clearly indicate our days on earth are numbered.

Allodaxaphobia: Fear of the opinions of other people. It's rumored that both Nancy Pelosi and Rush Limbaugh are allodaxaphobic.
Helminthophobia: Fear of being infested with worms.
Euphobia: Fear of hearing good news. We're told the editors at the L.A. and N.Y. Times, and the producers of cable news shows all suffer from this dilemma.
Consecotaleophobia: Fear of chopsticks.
Alektorophobia: Fear of chickens. Oddly enough, they're referred to as "chickens," for being afraid of chickens.
Arachibutyrophobia: Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
Geumaphobia: Fear of taste. Notable sufferers are alleged to be Kate Moss and her supermodel friends.
Ithyphallophobia: Fear of seeing, thinking about, or having an erect penis. Many American men claim their wives are ithyphallophobic.
Eleutherophobia: Fear of freedom. This is a common fear around the world, especially in countries like China, Iran, and North Korea. And in recent decades, eleutherophobia has consumed groups like Al Qaeda, Hamas and Hezbollah.
Panophobia or Pantophobia: The fear of everything.

Officials urge caution today and they're quick to remind anyone who will listen: avoid black cats and ladders, and if you step on a crack, you'll break your momma's back.

2009-03-12T09:26:00.001-07:00

Shock: Big Bird or Snuffleupagus
To Be Fired?

March 12, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. The country was saddened yesterday by news that "Sesame Street" is laying off 20% of its work force, due to the economy. But is a much more startling announcement coming?

Yesterday's shocker didn't signal any of the "Sesame Street" stars would be let go, but insiders say that just might happen. "Like it or not, Big Bird and Snuffleupagus cost us a fortune," said a show assistant. "All they do is eat and eat and eat. I don't know how we can keep both of them; one must go."

Another insider says executives may be using the economic climate as cover in making such a bold move, as tension between the two stars has been building for years. "It's not about money, it's chemistry on set. Big Bird is impossible to work with. He has a huge ego, insane demands, and he's really mean. The other day he told everyone Bert & Erie were gay." The source went on to say, "He's really gotten under Snuffy's skin; the two of them go at it every day. The economy is the perfect excuse for letting one of them go."

Fans of the show, mostly comprised of children and a few disturbed adults, won't take such a move lightly. "They just need to hug and work things out, like me and my mommy do," said a 5-year-old who was in tears when she heard the rumor of a potential firing. A creepy adult fan said, "I've watched the show in my underwear every day since it started in 1969. Everyone knows those two have had their issues, like when Snuffy got drunk and punched Big Bird at the Emmys, or when Big Bird slept with Snuffy's sister. But if either of them is fired, I'll never watch 'Sesame Street' again."

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue investigating this story and provide updates when news breaks.

2009-03-11T06:57:00.000-07:00

R&B Duet: "Hit Me With Your Best Shot"?

March 11, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. News is coming in fast and furious from Hollywood about Rihanna and Chris Brown, the famously talented and abusive couple. Here's what we know.

Rihanna and Chris are back together
Oprah thinks it's a mistake
Chris has been charged with two felonies
Rihanna and Chris have just recorded a duet, which is focused on couples overcoming difficult challenges

Insiders are scrambling to get a copy of the song and learn its title and release date. And we hear the punch-drunk-in-love couple also recorded a few cover songs, and they're trying to decide which one they like best (editor's note: let's hope they don't fight over it). According to sources, the top 10 contenders are:

"Hit Me With Your Best Shot" (Pat Benetar)
"Smack My Bitch Up" (Prodigy)
"Beat Me Blue" (Essence)
"Loser" (Beck)
"Stupid Girl" (Garbage)
"Love Is A Battlefield" (Pat Benetar)
"Fighting For Our Love" (Olivia Newton John)
"Beat Yo Ass" (Brandon D)
"Crazy" (Gnarls Barkley)
"Pimpin' Ain't Easy" (Ice-T)

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will keep digging for the truth and we'll provide updates when news breaks.

2009-03-10T07:17:00.001-07:00

Rush vs. Rush

March 10, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Rush Limbaugh, American's #1 conservative radio host, is no stranger to having enemies or being embroiled in controversy. The talk show host has endured attacks for decades, but some say his run may be coming to an end over a fierce new battle with the rock band Rush.

The Canadian trio, know for hits like "Tom Sawyer" and "YYZ," are demanding Limbaugh either change his first name or no longer go by 'Rush' on the radio. "He's killing our mojo and ruining our career," said Geddy Lee, Rush's bassist, singer and frontman. "People think we're a conservative rock band. We're not right-wingers. We're from Canada. Our cops ride horses, we have a Prime Minister and a Queen, and much of the country speaks French."

The band's request has been met with defiance by Limbaugh. "Typical, long-haired, Canadian liberals. Of course they don't like me, I bet they're playing private shows for Al Qaeda. I'm not changing my God-given name and they can go to Hell. When someone asks if you heard Rush on the radio, they're talking about me, not that crap band that hasn't had a hit since the '80s."

The battle of words has even spread to fan clubs for both parties, as rockers are protesting outside Limbaugh's radio show, and conservatives are returning the favor at Rush concerts. Signs displaying "Rush is Right," "Go Back to Canada," and "Crush Rush" are being waived by supporters. There have been no reports of violence at the demonstrations, but authorities are braced for an escalation. "It's a powder keg; this thing could blow any minute," said Police Chief Harris.

The reporters at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when news breaks.

2009-03-09T09:16:00.001-07:00

Snuggie Lawsuit:
Undie-Grab or Comfy Blanket?

March 9, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Is it a painful underwear grab only nerds know too well, or a best-selling, comfy, perfect-for-any occasion body blanket? It was only a matter time before this question hit the courts, according to most legal experts.

The Fosdick Corporation, marketers of the wildly popular body-length blanket with sleeves known as the "Snuggie," is being sued by a gentleman who claims to be the rightful owner of the term. The plaintiff, Brock Michaels, a former high school jock, claims to have invented the term "snuggie" back in 1977 while he was a junior in high school.

According to Michaels' lawyers, Brock came up with the term when he and his friends were harassing some drama club geeks in the locker-room. "One of Michaels' cohorts grabbed a nerd by the back of his underwear and yanked it up with all his might. As the victim screamed in agony, it was Brock who then yelled out 'snuggie!'" Sources close to Michaels say it was at that moment when he knew he was onto something big. Michaels then began doling out snuggies to every nerd and weakling he crossed paths with.

In a recent interview with Get Beefy, Michaels was asked about the lawsuit and he said, "By the spring semester of '78, the snuggie craze had gone national. It was big-time, dude. If you were a nerd, you were fearful of the snuggie. If you were a jock who pumped iron, you couldn't wait to find your next victim." He went on to say, "Sure, it's been 30-years, but I'll be dammed if I'm going to let some blanket geeks steal my word. I'll bet those losers at Fosdick were probably on the receiving end of some vicious snuggies, and this is some sort of twisted revenge."

Michaels is seeking damages in the millions, but his lawyers are having a hard time finding impartial jurors. "We're not sure we can get a fair trial at this stage. We've yet to find one person who doesn't have Snuggie fever." When asked to comment on the suit and if they received snuggies in high school, the executives at Fosdick declined.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue investigating this story and we'll provide updates when news breaks.

2009-03-08T12:05:00.001-07:00

Undercover BBQ Investigation

March 8, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog are on an undercover special assignment today, investigating BBQs taking place in celebration of Daylight Savings. Many are not aware, but BBQs are beginning to pop-up more frequently as the days get longer and the weather gets warmer. Is this a trend? An anomaly? A dangerous sign of things to come?

Experts from all fields are growing more concerned about the increase in BBQs nationwide. Some claim grill smoke is the main cause of global warming, while others cite the dangers BBQs present in adding to America's alcoholism, obesity, and dependency on meat. Are these baseless claims or is the country headed for ruin? We aim to find out and we'll provide updates when news breaks.

2009-03-07T08:39:00.001-08:00

Barbie Goes Wild, TV Doctors Respond

March 7, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. The once loveable children's doll has fallen off the rails and is showing signs of very dangerous behavior. Barbie's new tramp stamp tattoo is the latest in a series of incidents that have her handlers, loved ones, and fans fearful for her life.

"All parents go through ups and downs with their kids," said one of Barbie's parents at Mattel, Inc. "But this is quite serious; her life is on the line. I'm afraid I'm going to get a call one day saying she's overdosed, trapped in a sex ring, or run off to the jungle with strangers."

Some experts say Barbie has been crying out for help for years. TV's Dr. Phil said, "In order to help Barbie get better, we have to start at the root of the problem. Insecurity. Barbie's constant image and lifestyle changes, from Corvettes to cowgirl to even running for President, clearly show she's not confident in who she is." He went on to say, "Unless Barbie starts believing in herself, she'll continue to act out, spiral down, and she may end up dead."

Dr. Drew agrees and offered more thoughts. "She has to get rid of Ken, too. He's no good for her. There are signs of extreme jealousy, psychological abuse, and controlling behavior, especially evident by her new 'Ken' tattoo. Someone has to get a handle on the situation or else addiction is surely next, if it's not there already." Her dad concurs. "Ken is a disastrous force at this point. I'll deal with him, man to man. And we're thankful the government's new stimulus bill includes funding for tattoo removal, so we can get that 'Ken stain' off her back."

Barbie's parents went on to say they're planning an intervention, but until then it's touch and go. "The first step is to find her. We don't know where she is and she's not answering her cell." Authorities are aiding in the search by trying to triangulate her location by using the GPS chip in her phone. Reportedly, the crew at "CSI: Miami" are leading the effort, as Barbie is believed to be hiding out in South Beach.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when news breaks.

2009-03-06T07:51:00.001-08:00

California Cancels Daylight Savings, Adds Sun Tax

March 6, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Citing budget constraints, the state of California is saying adios to Daylight Savings time this year. "We just can't afford it," said Governor Schwarzenegger. "But we don't want to force citizens to change their lives. Those who wish to celebrate can still do so, but they'll be taxed on their extra usage of the sun. It's the only way to make it work."

Optional celebration of Daylight Savings is a first for the United States, and it's being heralded as a shrewd budget move by other Governors. "Arnold is on to something here," said an unknown Governor of a southern state. "If we apply a sun usage-tax nationally, we could probably eliminate the deficit. And if you think about it, the sun is energy; it shouldn't be free." Another Governor agreed and said, "We have to buy gas for our cars, and pay monthly bills to heat our homes. We should be paying for the sun's heat and energy, too. This is a business opportunity that might also help save the planet."

A concerned citizen doesn't see it the same way. "California is broke, thanks to an inept legislature. I understand Arnold is just trying to solve problems and help the state, but canceling Daylight Savings and taxing others who want to honor the tradition feels very un-American. I'm going to set my clock forward this weekend and I dare those bastards to try and tax me for it."

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue investigating this story and provide updates when news breaks.

2009-03-05T15:33:00.001-08:00

Obama Prefers Coke, Pepsi Freaks Out

March 5, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. If you thought November's Presidential election was ugly, you aint seen nothing yet. America's soft drink wars have taken a nasty political turn. In a surprising admission in a Time magazine article, a White House official said administration staffers prefer Coke. He further fanned the flames by questioning, "Don't most Americans?"

News of this has left Pepsi scrambling to save face, and crying foul. A Pepsi truck driver said, "Obama promised bipartisanship, honesty, and transparency. This reminds us of Watergate. It sounds like the same old Washington politics and we want an immediate investigation into what staffers are really drinking. He went on to say, "Our research clearly shows Americans prefer Pepsi, that our products can be found inside the White House, and one of my stops is on Capitol Hill. The assertion by an anonymous staffer that Coke is preferred is simply outrageous. We'd like an apology from Obama and Time magazine to identify its source, so he or she can be sent to Guantanamo for such malicious crimes."

But the story takes another twist as Coke officials are now accusing Pepsi of false advertising. A secretary in Coca Cola's legal headquarters said, "Pepsi markets itself as 'the choice of a new generation.' How can that be if Obama, 'the voice of a new generation,' prefers Coke? This doesn't add up. Pepsi is lying to America. We expect Pepsi to cease and desist their marketing efforts and turn over all profits that came from advertising these lies."

Authorities monitoring this story are fearful it will ignite another soda pop war like we saw in '70s. The events saw loyal fans fighting in the streets with bottles and cans. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when news breaks.

2009-03-04T08:22:00.001-08:00

No Cussing Week Draws Harsh Fire in L.A.

March 4, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Los Angeles Board of Supervisors issued a proclamation making the first week in March, "No Cussing Week." The move signaled high praise for a local teen, McKay Hutch, who created the "No Cussing Club" at his South Pasadena high school a few years ago. Hutch's club now has 30,000 online members and is cited as giving Supervisors the confidence to take such a bold effort citywide. But not everyone is happy with this.

Artists, lawyers, athletes, and many of L.A.'s average Joes are struggling with the new rules. "I had to cancel my show the other night," said well-known rapper, 50 Cent. "I don't have one joint where I don't drop an 'F' or 'S' bomb. They're taking bones out of my pocket."

A coalition of local attorneys agree, saying, "This is a direct violation of the first amendment. Citizens must be allowed to express themselves, even if it means offending a few prudes." Lawyers have now filed motions trying to overthrow the city's proclamation.

John Carpenter, a local carpenter, said, "I jammed a nail through my finger yesterday. I was in great pain and uncontrollably yelled out , 'son of a bitch', "motherf***er', and 'balls.' The looks I got were frightening; it reminded me of being in church."

The controversy even stretches to the NBA. Our reporters caught-up with Kobe Bryant last night. "I blocked a shot and the crowd went wild. And I spontaneously said, 'get that weak-ass sh!t outta my house.' The referee called a technical foul and Phil put me on the bench. If someone doesn't do something about this, I'll just go play in Europe where you can say whatever you want without persecution."

Proponents have released alternative suggestions for those who are having a hard time coping with the rules. Instead of the 'F word,' say "fiddlesticks" instead. When the urge to use the 'S word' arises, "poop," "poopy," dagnabit," or even "rats" would be acceptable.

City Officials say "No Cussing Week" will end on Sunday, so naysayers can go back to talking like sailors. But they wouldn't rule out future attempts at making it a permanent law. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue following this story and provide updates when news breaks.

2009-03-03T07:27:00.001-08:00

Correction: Crime Does Pay,

Reports of Fraud, Brainwashing

March 3, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Students, parents, teachers, and government officials are fuming mad, seeking legal action, and they want America's textbooks re-written immediately. The fuss is over the long-held belief, 'crime doesn't pay,' being proven as untrue.

"This is a massive fraud that has global ramifications. And it's been going on for generations. Look at the headlines. Bernie Madoff got paid billions and is living in a swanky penthouse. Chris Brown was riding jet-skis in Miami this weekend. A-Rod's still playing ball. Osama is rich and running free in the hills. And now impeached Governor Rod Blagojevich gets a six-figure book deal? This is proof that crime does pay. How am I supposed to explain this to my 9-year-old," asked a furious parent as she picked up her daughter from school.

Officials are seeking an injunction which would prevent teachers from ever telling students that crime doesn't pay. And lobbyists are pleading with the courts to have every textbook re-written with 'honesty.' When asked about the controversy, a Roosevelt teacher said, "I feel terrible and want to stab myself. I've been following the curriculum and textbooks here at school, and it all clearly says crime doesn't pay. But that's obviously wrong. I feel so bad for my students. They've been lied to all along."

School administrators and textbook authors across the country are being subpoenaed and may face felony counts of fraud and willful deception. "The Bush administration may have looked the other way, but we won't. We're going to nail these liars and thugs who have been brainwashing our children," said the lawyer for the plaintiffs.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog are still shocked by this story, we're now wondering what else isn't true, but we'll continue investigating and provide updates when news breaks.

2009-03-02T06:51:00.000-08:00

Cyndi Lauper: Girls Aren't Having Fun Anymore

March 1, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. While calls to her camp haven't been returned, Cyndi Lauper has allegedly dropped a bomb on the country, saying girls just aren't having fun anymore. According to sources close to the story, Lauper, who's famously known for many hits, including "Girls Just Want To Have Fun," was dining with friends at a posh Venice Beach bistro and she went on a rant about the state of women and fun these days.

As her friends looked on in amazement, the talented singer was overheard saying girls aren't having fun anymore, and we needn't look any further than the Rhianna tragedy to prove it. She then allegedly went on to say; it's very sad, girls do just want to have fun. But look at Paris, Britney, Megan Foxx, Jessica, Lindsay, Beyonce - do you think they're having fun? They're not. Gain 40-pounds and you're fat. Forget to wear underwear and show your private parts in public and you're a slut. Do some drugs, get a DUI, or enter rehab and you're a celeb-u-wreck. Mistake chicken for tuna and you're stupid. And don't ever kiss other girls or else you're a man-hating lesbian. It's like if you have any fun, you have a disease or something. This is not the America I want to live in anymore.

The impassioned tirade concluded with her blaming the economy, aggressive men, jealous bitches, George W. Bush, and the media as the reasons it's impossible for girls to have fun these days.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue investigating this story and provide updates when news breaks.

2009-03-01T09:49:00.000-08:00

Redskins Seek
Immediate Bailout

March 1, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Buyer's remorse has hit the nation's capitol, as the Washington Redskins are seeking an immediate government bailout after realizing they overspent on Friday. While many companies are tightening their belts and booting workers to the curb, the Washington Redskins opened their vault, backed-up a truck, and signed defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth to a seven-year, $100 million contract ($41 million of which is guaranteed, an NFL-record).

A team official said, "I honestly don't know what we were thinking. We got caught-up in the excitement of free agency and we kept upping the ante for Albert. Before we knew what hit us, we said 'yes' to the $100 million deal. We can't afford that; we didn't even make the playoffs last year. Now we need the government's help."

Insiders say team officials are having confidential talks with the White House and legislators about an immediate bailout plan, and they're confident they'll get the votes. One source said, "Why wouldn't they get a bailout, everyone else is. And football is like religion, and the Skins are DC's team - no one on Capitol Hill wants them to go under, they're season ticket holders."

To put the Redskins' financial disaster in perspective, here are a few stats about the $100 million deal.

1. Albert Haynesworth will make approximately $14,285,714 per-season. This equates to $893,000 per-game over seven-years, not including any playoff bonuses or endorsements.

2. The contract will last 2,555 days. If he were paid daily, he'd be depositing $39,139 into his bank account every 24-hours for seven years.

3. If this were a traditional employment contract, based on a 40-hour week, Haynesworth would work 14,560 hours over seven-years, and get paid $6,868 per-hour, or $274,720 per-week.

4. In the 2008 season, Haynesworth had 51 tackles, or 3.18 per-game. If those stats hold in 2009, he'll earn about $280,112 per-tackle.

5. In 2008, Haynesworth had 8.5 sacks. If he has a repeat performance in 2009, he'll earn roughly $1,680,672 per-sack.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will keep covering the Washington Redskins' bid for a bailout and provide updates when news breaks.

2009-02-28T08:53:00.000-08:00

February is Dying

February 28, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. The world is in shock, as doctors say February is dying and she's in her final hours. "Today is her last day, unfortunately. We don't see her lasting any longer than that," said Dr. Morganstein.

As news of February's imminent death spread across the globe, mourners around the world began gathering to pay their final respects to the beloved month. "Words cannot express my sorrow. I don't understand why she has to go so soon," said Bill Buckley. Another mourner shared a similar view. "It seems like it was just a few weeks ago when we got to know her. I can't believe I'll wake up tomorrow and she'll be gone. Life is short and sometimes very cruel. I feel like my heart has been ripped out."

February's priest addressed mourners and asked them to remember the blessings her life brought all of us. "February will soon be in God's hands, and her passing should remind all of us to live life to its fullest, to love unconditionally, and live by the golden rule. And remember the good times you spent with February. She brought us Valentine's Day, the Steelers' Super Bowl victory, the Grilled Cheese Festival, the Grammys, and some awesome new iPhone apps. She'd like you to remember her with love and carry on her spirit in your own life."

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog send our deepest condolences to February's family and friends.

2009-02-27T06:52:00.000-08:00

Update: Economy Still Hammering American Idol, More Layoffs

February 27, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. There are no signs the sagging economy will let up, as evident by another shocking episode of "American Idol." It was just last week when Thank God For the Internet Blog broke the story of contestant layoffs happening at 'Idol,' but tragedy has struck again.

In last night's episode, an unsuspecting audience of millions was left shocked and distraught after being forced to witness another nine layoffs. The events are casting even more doubt over whether the United States will ever climb out of its economic mess. "It was just two nights ago when Obama did his speech; he said the economy was going to be fine and jobs would be saved. What the hell is going on here? How can 'Idol' layoff another nine contestants? What are those poor people going to do for food and work now," questioned a crying fan who kept her name confidential.

"I thought the layoffs were done after last week and that maybe the government would bail them out or something. But to see it happen again, this time right before my eyes, I can't even begin to describe the pain. The sadness and heartache in the eyes of those contestants who were fired will never escape me. I thought America was where people came to have their dreams come true, but now I'll have nightmares forever," said Cat McGun, an 'Idol' fan who flew in from London to see last night's episode.

Like last week, the four judges didn't show much emotion as they watched contestants be fired. And signs saying "cold hearted," "not again" and "not my kind of America" were displayed by many fans who demonstrated their disapproval with America's #1 show. 'Idol' execs still refuse to comment on the layoffs, but the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue following this story and provide updates when news breaks.

2009-02-26T07:18:00.000-08:00

Shock: NBA Proves Global Warming

February 26, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. While the debate over global warming continues to frustrate experts on both sides of the aisle, it looks like Al Gore may be vindicated, as there appears to be a smoking gun that proves global warming is a reality - the NBA.

Has it been in front of us all this time? Experts say so and they point directly to the NBA for proof. "I've been skeptical for a long time, but I'm now convinced global warming exists. I've never seen grown men sweat like this before, and I've been going to NBA games for years," said Guy McIntyre, a global warming critic and Cleveland Cavaliers season ticket holder. The reporters here, not willing to take the word of just a few, decided to go a step further and ask some NBA players what they thought. Here are just a few of the comments we received, all of which support the global warming claim.

Kevin Garnett: "Look at me; it's gotten so bad that I'm drenched by the end of warm-ups, before the game even begins. If this isn't global warming, I'd be in the hospital."

Shaquille O'Neal: "I'm 'the diesel' and I run hot to being with, but I noticed a change a few years ago. I'm a sweaty mess these days. We need Obama to do something about this before players start dropping dead."

LeBron James: "Dude, I'm sweating my ass off out there on the court, more than I ever have. Even my Gatorade can't stop it; this must be from a higher power. Gore's right, global warming is legit."

Kobe Bryant: "It all makes sense now. Players are even slipping and sliding all over the court these days. I sometimes have to use my jersey as a towel. It was never like this before."

Not to be outdone, global warming critics cite record cold temperatures in the Midwest and enormous snow levels across the world as proof the global warming claim is nothing but a farce. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue following this story and provide updates when news breaks.

2009-02-25T10:55:00.000-08:00

Obama Speech Causes Panic, Confusion, 911 Calls

February 25, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. President Barack Obama delivered a phenomenal speech to congress and the American people last night, but it sparked panic and wide-spread confusion across America. But it wasn't his words or policy that created the mess.

The President's speech caused a previously unannounced preemption of prime time television shows. As viewers settled in to get their usual fix of Tuesday night's must-see TV, they were shocked to find out they got Obama instead of "American Idol." They saw the President instead of "Two and a Half Men." Many confused Americans took to the streets to figure out what was happening. Others flooded 911 lines and television network switchboards trying to find out what was going on.

Many in New York couldn't help but think the worst. "At first I thought there might have been another attack. It was all so scary. I sat down to watch 'Idol' and I found the President on every channel," said a panicked New York resident. Others wondered if the sad state of the economy meant new shows had been yanked for good. "The first thing that went through my mind was the TV networks must finally be broke, and that we'll never get a new show ever again. Why else would I be seeing reruns on a Tuesday night in the middle of the season," said Pam DePalma, a Los Angeles resident.

Obama's speech was broadcast live across the nation at 9 p.m. eastern standard time, right in the middle of prime time. Viewers on the west coast got reruns of their favorite shows in the regular timeslots. There have been no reports of injury or looting as a result of people taking to the streets, and the white house has not issued a statement on the matter.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue following this story and provide updates when news breaks.

2009-02-24T15:22:00.000-08:00

Surgeon General: Eliminate Fat Tuesday Immediately

February 24, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. The acting Surgeon General of the United States just issued a stern warning to citizens, "The country is fat enough already, it's time to eliminate Fat Tuesday once and for all." The statement came as revelers across the land began celebrating the first day of Mardi Gras, otherwise known as Fat Tuesday.

"Yes, I'm fat. And there are a lot of obese people in America, we hear about it constantly. But taking away Fat Tuesday is not our path to health and fitness," said Wanda Cooper, as she strolled through downtown New Orleans. Another spectator, when told of the Surgeon General's warning said, "This wreaks of fascism, or maybe it's fatcism, we should all move to Canada." And an obviously buzzed Johnny VanOwen, offered this perspective on the matter, "I happen to love fat girls. I don't want them skinny, I like 'em to be huge. So, what's the surgeon got to say about that? He needs to stay out of my bedroom!"

The Surgeon General's surprising announcement included a comprehensive plan aimed at eradicating Fat Tuesday, which includes calling in the National Guard and instituting food rationing if the overeating didn't stop immediately. "We've got a McDonald's and donut shop on every corner, and our kids look like blimps. I'll be damned if I'm going to let things like Fat Tuesday continue on my watch. We can no longer celebrate being fat. It time for sit-ups, push-ups, and granola bars," he said.

Mardi Gras organizers declined to comment on the General's warning. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue monitoring this breaking story and we'll provide updates when news breaks.

2009-02-24T11:49:00.000-08:00

CSI: Mumbai?

February 24, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. America watched in suspense Sunday night as Steven Spielberg said, "And the Oscar goes to ... Slumdog Millionaire." And while many viewers teared-up and cheered for the rags-to-riches film, savvy television insiders recognized the opportunity and were looking to strike.

"The floodgates in India are now open and with the SAG situation in crisis, executives may go non-union and hire nothing but Indians to rule the big screen," said a Hollywood reporter. "We're farming out all our jobs already, it's not out of the question to see CSI: Mumbai or Hindu Idol popping-up." Reportedly, many executives skipped the Oscar after parties and hopped on private jets en route to India to find their next location and star. The rush is on.

As news of this continues to flood our phones and email, we're hearing of many shows already being pitched for summer or fall release. A few of them include How I Met Your Mullah; Dancing With the Indians; Everybody Loves Rahul; the Bombay Bachelor; Survivor: Kashmir; and The New Delhi Deli, which features contestants trying to make the best sandwich and an angry chef who makes Hell's Kitchen's Gordon Ramsey look like a kitten.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue investigating this story and provide updates when news breaks.

2009-02-23T11:45:00.001-08:00

Royalty Fight Over "Domo Arigoto, Mr. Roboto" Oscar Speech

February 23, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. What a litigious web the world weaves. While it has yet to be confirmed, our reporters are hearing rumors that members of the band Styx may be seeking royalty payments from Kunio Kato, who used the phrase "Domo Arigoto, Mr. Roboto" during his acceptance speech at last night's Academy Awards. Mr. Kato uttered the phrase after receiving the award for Best Animated Short Film for La Maison en Petits Cubes.

"Domo arigoto," which in Japanese means thank you very much, was widely popularized in the United States and throughout the world in 1983, in a hit song written by Dennis DeYoung, "Mr. Roboto," and performed by the rock band Styx. DeYoung fronts the band and the song appeared on Styx's Kilroy Was Here album. Speculation is that Styx may be broke and looking for a payday. Other reports include the band could be leveraging a potential lawsuit as a means to get hired on for the soundtrack duties for Mr. Kato's next flick.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue investigating this story and provide updates when news breaks.

2009-02-23T06:51:00.000-08:00

The Taliban and the iPhone

February 23, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. It was only a matter of time. According to Al Jazeera, even the Taliban loves their iPhones. Mullah Zaif (pictured) says he's 'addicted' to his iPhone and that 'the Internet is great, very fast.' This comes as surprising news to many in Washington, as groups such as the Taliban or Hammas are known for damning all things Western.

So, why has the iPhone crossed ideological lines, when something like peace can't? It could be because one of the most infamous terrorists in the world is leading the charge. In an exclusive interview from a mountainous bunker, Osama bin Laden raved about his iPhone. "This 3G technology is brilliant. I bought iPhones for all my generals. We can surf the web all day long, the touch-pad is easy on the hands, and we love those YouTube videos, especially the skateboarding dog. But the best feature is the texting technology - it keeps us from getting tripped-up in those pesky wire taps the infidels like to set. Besides, texting makes it easy to coordinate attacks, and sexting late at night is the best."

Later in the interview, the Al Qaeda leader further expanded on his love for the iPhone. "You know, I spend hours in the app store. Those TV commercials are right; there's an app for just about anything. And I'm developing apps to help fund our glorious network so we can bring the Western devils to their knees. We're working on iAllah, iMartyr, Osamaicon Yourself, Burkah Babes, and Osama's Yo Momma Joke of the Day."

Pentagon sources see all of this as a golden opportunity. "This is a good start. The terrorists are beginning to see things our way. We just need to be patient. If we can get some DirecTV-HD units in Iran and Iraq, and maybe an NFL team with some hot cheerleaders in Afghanistan, we may be able to win the war for hearts and minds and break the terrorists' will."

While the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog decided not to cover the war on terror a long time ago, we felt this story warranted coverage. As usual, we'll continue investigating and provide updates when news breaks.

2009-02-22T10:21:00.000-08:00

Real Slumdogs Want A Piece of Millionaire Action

February 22, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Even if Slumdog Millionaire doesn't win the Oscar for Best Picture on Sunday night, the rise of this inspirational film has left its mark on the world, as evident by staggering grosses topping $150M worldwide. Not bad for a movie that only cost $15M to make. But the film's fortune may be in danger.

Even though the film is set in India, many of America's homeless and slumlords, who refer to themselves as "the real slumdogs," are seeking financial compensation for "their story being jacked," according to their lawyer. "Look at me; I'm living the life on the streets of Beverly Hills. It wasn't easy - I started in Fresno, but I kept the faith. And I didn't need no game show to do it. This movie is my story and aint no one gave me a check yet," said a pale, blonde haired Beverly Hills homeless man who goes by the name Dennis the Menace.

And it's not just the homeless who feel cheated. Those who prosper in the slums and create the ladder for getting out are also seeking compensation. A notorious Los Angeles drug dealer said, "We're all down with this tight flick, but we gots to get paid, yo. The slums belong to us. Aint no one gonna steal our stories again. Either give me a check or put me in a movie."

As of press time, "real slumdog" groups across the nation are discussing possible legal action. The reporters here at www.thankgodfortheinternet.blogspot.com/ will continue investigating this story and we'll update you when news breaks. In the mean time, while you're sitting on your couch watching the Oscars in HD, we sincerely recommend you donate some money or free time to a local charity that helps the homeless.

2009-02-21T13:54:00.000-08:00

Red and Green Lead Call Demanding History Months

February 22, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. As Black History Month winds down, not everyone is in the mood to celebrate. Red and Green are leading a coalition of colors that are demanding the world take notice of them. At a press conference at Crayola headquarters, Red said, "We love Black as much as anyone, and Black History Month is important, but we're colors, too. It's time me and my fellow colors like Green, Blue, Yellow and Orange are recognized with our own History Months."

The coalition is planning a series of attention-grabbing events throughout the spring aimed at reminding the public of their importance. "The world should be reminded that without us, there would be no rainbows, oranges, bands like Green Day or Red Hot Chili Peppers, the sky would have no dimension, and there'd be no blues music," said the coalition's press secretary.

When asked about her position on the matter, Trycia Gentry, Vice President of the Department of History Months said, "We're looking into the coalition's demands, we're taking this very seriously, and it will be the subject of future meetings and consideration." But that response didn't go over well with the coalition of colors. Green had this to say, "It's this type of cold insensitivity that have our members feeling unappreciated and taken for granted. We surely hope Ms. Gentry and her colleagues will see the err of their ways and get some color-based History Months on the books by the end of the year."

No one is quite sure how this drama will play itself out, but the reporters here at www.thankgodfortheinternet.blogspot.com/ will continue investigating this story and we'll update you when news breaks.

2009-02-21T09:52:00.000-08:00

Jason Wants to Kill Madea

February 21, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Hollywood is buzzing today as word leaked out that slasher killer, Jason Voorhees wants to violently kill Grandma Madea for knocking Friday the 13th out of the top spot at the box office. Madea Goes To Jail should easily take the top spot this weekend, forcing Friday the 13th and Jason to take a plunge.

Last night, while out drinking at the Chop House, Jason was overheard saying he was going to find Madea and kill her in a way the world will never forget, as payback for knocking him out of the top spot at the box office. He went on to say he may go after Tyler Perry and slash his ass, too. Later in the evening, Jason was spotted buying a brand new chainsaw and long knives from a dealer on Crenshaw Blvd. Authorities fear Jason is out looking for Madea right now.

As word of the threat emerged, Madea fans gathered this morning and began to pray together. "I am so scared for Madea, I don't want her to die or be cut up into pieces," said Jenni Shamrock. Another in the crowed expressed anger. "Jason is a bully and he's just jealous of Madea. He's been killing innocent people for too long and it's time for him to be stopped. We're going to ban together and go find him. He may take a few of us down, but we'll eventually get him for this."

As our reporters were leaving the Madea gathering, they came across a large man named Thor. He served time in prison with Madea; fans may recognize him from Madea Goes To Jail. He shared his displeasure with the situation and assured us he's going to try and protect the loveable Madea, and said he has a special shank with Jason's name on it.

The reporters at www.thankgodfortheinternet.blogspot.com/ will continue following this breaking story and we'll update you when more news breaks. In the mean time, we ask all of you to pray for Madea's safety.

2009-02-21T08:27:00.000-08:00

Man's Best Friend: The Grilled Cheese Sandwich

February 21, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. While Americans are still trying to cope with their weekend sadness from the NFL being on hiatus, there's hope in the air today. One of the greatest events ever will take place in San Francisco, The Grilled Cheese Invitational. Competitors have been training for months, trying to come up with the perfect combination of bread, cheese, butter, and whatever secret weapons they have up their sleeves.

The event will include up to 500 taste-testing judges and there are three categories of competition.

1. The Missionary Position: Standard bread, standard butter and standard cheese. No additional ingredients or flavorings allowed.

2. The Kama Sutra: Any kind of bread, any kind of butter, and any kind of cheese (or blend of cheeses) plus additional ingredients.

3. The Honey Pot: Any kind of bread, any kind of butter, any kind of cheese (or blend of cheeses), and any additional ingredients, but a sandwich that is sweet in flavor, or would best be served as dessert.

Last year's Missionary Position champions, Kathasaurus & Bustin, are the odds-on favorite to repeat. But the question on everyone's mind is if they'll be able to top their winning sandwich from last year, the Queijo Grelhado Velho Liso which received a score of 29.80. The gut bomb featured SUPER fresh sourdough from Hoffman's bakery in Santa Cruz, extra sharp Tillamook cheddar, fresh Italian mozzarella, Jarlsberg mild Swiss & whipped Danish creamery butter.

Fans have been camped out for days in anticipation and with hope they'll be lucky enough to receive one of the 500 judges' bracelets. No incidents are expected at this year's event, but security will be high. Most experts predict some minor injuries, trash talking, and even some attempts to cheat. "With a pressure packed competition and bragging rights on the line, competitors will surely give it their all," said Senior Grilling Analyst, Art Winkdale. And one anonymous competitor put things in perspective for us, "I'm in it to win it. If I have to drop a fool's skillet to show how serious I am, I'll do it. The title is mine, yo."

There's still no word if President Barack Obama will be calling the winner with congratulatory wishes. But with an event of this magnitude, it's not likely he'll blow this off. The reporters here at www.thankgodfortheinternet.blogspot.com/ will continue following this event and we'll update you when news breaks.

2009-02-20T15:01:00.000-08:00

Poll: Obama More Popular Than Jesus, Superman Pissed

February 20, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. A new Harris Poll shows that Barack Obama tops Jesus on the list of people who Americans say they admire enough to call a hero. Rounding out the top 5 are Martin Luther King, Ronald Reagan, and George W. Bush. Other notables are Mother Teresa coming in 10th and Oprah Winfrey at 20th. God didn't even crack the top 10, as he (or she, according to some) placed 11th.

While many think Obama topping Jesus is shocking enough, there's more controversy brewing, including claims by Superman fans that the poll was rigged. The President of the Justice League fan club said, "This is complete crap! Obama is a great man, yes, but he can't fly, leap buildings, doesn't have x-ray vision, superhuman strength, or any of the other powers of Superman. This really does stink of corruption. And not only is Superman not on this list, neither are Batman, Wonder Woman or any of the other real heroes."

In a very rare public comment, the usually humble Superman said, "Yeah, I'm pissed about this. I like Barack a lot, I even voted for him. But when that phone rings at 3 a.m. and there's an asteroid heading towards earth or an alien army about to invade, who's going to get the call to save the world? Barack may get a call from other world leaders or the military, but who do you think he's going to call to get the job done? Me. I should be #1 on that list." Calls to the White House and Harris Interactive for comment on this story have not been returned as of press time.

The reporters here at www.thankgodfortheinternet.blogspot.com/ will continue following this story and we'll update you when news breaks.

2009-02-19T12:24:00.000-08:00

The Economy Hits American Idol: 9 More Layoffs

February 19, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. America's recession may have no survivors, as evident by last night's shocking episode of American Idol. As the nation watched, television's #1 show laid off nine more contestants. "Everyone has been talking about how bad the economy is, but it really hits home when American Idol is letting people go," said a teary-eyed fan of the show, Erica Bry.

Another fan who stood in line for two days to get into last night's show, Matt Carlberg, offered an eye-witness account of what transpired. "I can't believe this. One minute I'm sitting there and there were 12 singers on stage. Before I knew what hit me, nine people were let go and only three remained. Those bastards laid off 75% of their people last night. How can our government let them get away with this? And how can the people in the audience, the judges, and even Ryan sit there idle like it's no big deal. I'll never watch that heartless show again."

The unfortunate contestants who were given pink-slips last night appeared to be taking things in stride. Some were even seen dancing and singing. Producers of the show have refused to comment on last night's layoffs, but inside sources say there are more coming next week. The reporters here at www.thankgodfortheinternet.blogspot.com/ will continue investigating this story and we'll update you when news breaks.

2009-02-17T12:10:00.000-08:00

Snuggie Star Has No One to Snuggle With

February 18, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. On the heels of Valentine's Day 2009 comes shocking and sad news from the entertainment world. Many don't know her by her real name, Jane DeNoble, but millions of Americans know her as the Snuggie babe. Jane DeNoble is that very attractive, spunky actress that brings the Snuggie to life in the infomercial everyone loves to hate.

The loveable Jane has quite the resume, which boasts numerous film, TV, and theater credits. And her acting talents have tuned the Snuggie into a cultural phenomenon. But it's what's not on her bio that is causing heartache across the nation. Jane DeNoble appears to be single. "How could this be? America's Snuggie star doesn't have anyone to snuggle with under a Snuggie? This just stinks! During such tumultuous times, we look to America's stars for hope. If Jane DeNoble can't land a man or woman, I'm afraid the economy and war may be the least of our worries," said Frannie the Granny, Senior Editor for All That Doesn't Matter magazine.

"When I see her vibrant smile and phenomenal acting in those Snuggie spots, even I want to snuggle with her. Who wouldn't want to snuggle with Jane? I'm saddened and perplexed as to why she, of all people, would be single. It will be America's next great tragedy if she's left cold and alone at night? I know there are many rumors out there, like the Snuggie people have brainwashed her and are hiding her in a basement, or that there is the possibility Jane has a man or even a family in hiding and maybe she just doesn't want to mention that on her bio, but I'll leave that stuff for the rumor mongers," said a well-known Hollywood talent agent who wishes to remain annonymous.

The reporters here at www.thankgodfortheinternet.blogspot.com/ will continue investigating this shocking news and we'll update you when news breaks. In the mean time, when you curl-up under your Snuggie this evening, we ask that you say a prayer for Jane and ask God to undo this injustice.

2009-02-17T10:37:00.000-08:00

Burger King's Angry Whopper Sparks Outrage Among Onion Groups, Claims of Onionism.

February 17, 2009 -- Santa Monica, CA. Onion lovers around the world are uniting for one of their most vicious legal fights ever. The new battle is against fast food giant, Burger King. In late 2008, the home of the Whopper introduced a new offering, The Angry Whopper. According to advertisements, the burger features angry onions. Further, television commercials seen in the United States insinuate farmers brutalized baby onions so they'd grow-up to become angry. Therein lies the controversy which has sparked outrage among onion enthusiasts.

According to a recent lawsuit, the "angry onion" claim has ignited fury and allegedly triggered emotional pain and suffering from onions and onion lovers across the globe. Craig "Ass Mouth" Black, Senior VP of Onions For Peace and the co-author of the civil lawsuit against Burger King, had this to say on the matter. "Burger King has crossed the line and they must apologize immediately. Onions are not angry; they are peace-loving vegetables. I've been raising onions since I was a little boy, and I've also saved thousands of onions from certain death, due to infertile ground. I can tell you this with certainty: I've never encountered onion behavior that could be described as angry. Such a claim is baseless, irresponsible and dangerous, as is the notion that some onion farmers would abuse baby opinions with the hope of them growing up angry. Onions don't start wars or spread disease, they're only guilty of tirelessly and thanklessly working hard to make our salads, chili, steaks, liver, and even our burgers taste better. Burger King's assertion that onions are, or could be, angry, is factually inaccurate and grossly irresponsible. This wreaks of onionism, and we won't sit here idle without confronting such outrageous accusations."

On Monday, February 16, 2009, COOL (the Coalition of Onion Lovers) filed a lawsuit in Los Angeles Superior Court against Burger King. The suit, which cites emotional distress and defamation, is demanding $100,000,000,000,000 in damages. While such a civil lawsuit figure is unprecedented and rises above the United State's national deficit, Larry Scallion, CEO of RMCOT (Real Men Cry Onion Tears), said this. "Burger King will sell hundreds of thousands of their Angry Whoppers based on hype, empty rhetoric, and onionism to the unsuspecting public. Consumers are not expected to know the ins-and-outs of onion personality. Therefore, it's unfair to label consumers culprits in such vulgar and greedy behavior. However, Burger King knows what it's doing. It's only fair these corporate zealots realize the err of their ways, apologize, and turn over all profits from such smut to the hard working farmers and onion lovers around the globe. If not, the innocent victims of this ugliness will be pushed further into the darkness of today's brutal society. It's 2009 - gays can marry, an African American is president and the most popular figure in the world, and even American Idol is still alive; it's high time onion persecution be stopped with a loud and clear message. If we let Burger King get away with this, what's next? Kinky Cheese on a Sex Burger. This is not just a fight for innocent onions, it's a battle to save the world."

When asked to comment on the lawsuit, Burger King declined. The reporters here at www.thankgodfortheinternet.blogspot.com/ will continue investigating this shocking news and we'll update you when news breaks.